Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Peanut Butter On Your Penis & Various Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say

This parenting gig is full of surprises.  Add the even crazier twist of parenting a child with special needs and, well, it's no wonder so many of us enjoy a glass of wine (or three) each night.

M is seven and has had a big regression in the area of toileting.  I feel the need to knock on some wood as I type how fortunate I feel that this regression is in the area of numero uno and not numero dos.

Regardless, it does pretty much suck to have to clean up pee multiple times each day when trying to keep him in big boy underpants and then having to remember to bring diapers on outings...for your seven year old.  I've had to start buying diapers online through incontinence web sites.  I've found myself spending hours searching to see which site had the lowest price or a free shipping coupon.  The first time I searched for diapers online I clicked on a benign-looking web site with the word 'diaper' in it and was shocked (and fairly amused) to read that it was a web site for infantilists who enjoyed wearing diapers as adults.  Who the hell in their right mind would CHOOSE to wear a diaper as an adult?  Clearly these are not adults who parent children with special needs!  I will say, however, that some of their prices were competitive, and the brands were the same ones you'd find at other incontinence stores...but I just could not bring myself to make a purchase there!  

Fast forward to last week when I decided to purchase some diapers from Overstock.com.  Yes, believe it or not, Overstock even carries diapers!  (and, no, I do not work there)  Since their shipping price was right, I decided it was worth it to try out the smallest adult-sized diaper that they carried--a size small--since the waist size fell in the range of my boy's distended belly.  

Unfortunately, I learned that though they do fit around his waist, the other--ahem--areas of the diaper do not fit very well.  I'm banking on the hope that M will not need diapers in 10 years (please, please!) so I'm hellbent on using these suckers up even though they are a bit, well, large.  I put one on him for our two-hour walk yesterday in hopes that since he'd be sitting in our jogging stroller the diaper would do the job.  

Not so much.

We had to strip down our poor boy once we got back to our car to drive home, and with no clean clothes with us, (because you forget to bring the change of clothes when your child has suddenly decided to not use the potty at the age of SEVEN!), a very naked M had to be strapped into his carseat for the drive home.  The other half was a bit pale as he delicately tried to maneuver the buckle that clips into the car seat near the poor boy's private parts.  One crisis averted, we finally made it home.  

We were planning to go into the hot tub after a quick snack, so the other half decided it would be okay to feed M in the buff.  It was a warm day after all.

Unfortunately, our little man is not what you'd call a neat eater.  And the peanut butter that was on his apples ended up being put on his...nevermind.  You know where this is going, right?

When he got up from the table and I noticed what he'd done, I was a tiny bit alarmed at how easy the words, 'M, come over here so I can clean the peanut butter off your penis' rolled off my tongue.  As though it was completely a normal occurrence in our lives.  The other half and I cracked up over this and remarked how there are so many bizarre things that come out of our mouths that we never ever would have thought back when we were much cooler (and thinner) 20-somethings, blissfully unaware of the mayhem that lay ahead of us.

Other bizarre things I have caught myself saying to my seven-year-old with more regularity than I probably should admit:

-Please quit chewing on the dvds.

-Don't put sand (or substitute rocks, dirt, seashells, and various other outdoor items) in your mouth.

-Vacuum cords are not chewies.

-Stop drinking the hot tub water.

-How did you get spaghetti sauce inside your ear?

There's really no brilliant way to end this post other than to ask that you all make me feel a bit better about this craziness and share with me and other Hopeful Parents the things you can't believe have come out of your mouth!


Mama Deb can be found writing at This Is My New Normal.





  1. This made me LOL so hard I scared my cats! I've uttered many of the same phrases to my own nearly-seven year old. Well, except fot eh peanut butter; that just reinforces why we do't let him dine in the buff. ;-)
    Thanks for the laugh on a day when I *really* *REALLY* needed one.

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  2. Boy, do we know that diaper experience! It's also amazing where paint can end up.

  3. Loved this!! It made me LOL! I have recently found that you can not find "adult sized" diaper products, except for Depends, readily available for purchase. I did find a place finally so I wanted to let you in the event you need assistance in the future. I found a very helpful customer service rep that spentt lots of time helping me find the right product. I am Bennie's other half... so let me know if you need more info.

  4. Thanks, folks. MamaWaddell...was the place you found by any chance North Shore care supply? I've purchased from them through Amazon and will probably end up there again since they carry the x-smalls. I have Amazon Prime service which gives you free, expedited shipping on a lot of products. The first time I ordered some diapers they were available through the prime shipping, but the second time they weren't and the shipping rate was about $10. I think I'll probably end up buying from them again, though, since Overstock doesn't have the x-smalls. Would love to hear about where you got yours. Ahh...diaper talk! Thought I was done with that!

  5. Now I have to clean the coffee off my dog. The coffee that snorted through my nose, twice while I read your excellent post.
    We've just manage to resolve the numero dos issues (thank you Motion Potion who I wish I worked for so I could get free stuff) so I'm a regular visitor to (almost) seven year old toilet hell.

  6. So so funny. Thank you for giving me a much needed laugh!

  7. That post made me laugh so hard --we've got a 15 year old boy still in Overnites and spend way too much of our adult lives preoccupied with pee and poop--laughter is indeed the best medicine

  8. strangest thing i've said lately...hmmm....
    to other folks: don't mind if joel puts his head in your crotch...(i demonstrate - without any actual in-crotch placement)...he just wants you to flip him up and hold him upside down.
    to joel: get off the oven door...spit out the silly band...quit eating your sister's clay...get out of the trash...

  9. Maybe you're crazy but we're all there with you lol. As for the diaper thing, I've been wondering if we shouldn't all write to Pampers, etc and explain to them the SN thing and that there's a market still there for them.
    And I have also recently commented to DH that the things that calmly come out of our mouths now would have been so beyond insane 5 years ago. A few things I can think of:
    J, don't lick the DVDs please.
    Honey the carpet is not a napkin, don't wipe your face on it.
    Please stop licking the computer screen.
    Why is there a stuffed bunny in the refrigerator, and a tomato on the dresser?

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