Our local Autism Society asked me to do a introduction on Floortime last week
In order to give a good overview, I have dusted out all my Floortime books, my notes from conference and trainings and have gone through old transcripts of Dr Greenspan’s Radio shows and DVD’s
I am just astounded by all the amazing powerful stuff I know
Somehow I am also sad
I try to analyze why this is so
And finally figure it out last night while doing R’s bed time routine
Somehow all this research – in fact revision of all the things I know, the brainstorming with mums of auties in the support group where I am giving advice that too good advice -
All of this has drawn the sharp contrast, really the huge gap.
Between the mother I want to be and the mother I am
How can I have all this knowledge but not apply it every minute I am with R ?
What gets in my way?
I know it’s mostly inertia
A lack of forethought
"I wish I was a better mother" ...I whisper sadly into R's sweet hair that smells of baby bumblebee shampoo
A stray tear rolls down my cheek onto R's hair and trickles down to his scalp
He stirs and turns to put his arms tightly around my neck
The peace and sweetness of this child comes over me
I think of all the places in the world - R's favorite place might be - the C of my body
I think of all the times he has lain there - once so tiny
Of colicky times, ear infection times, cant-go-to-sleep times , dont-know-why-I-am-crying times
It occurs to me that the one thing I am good as a mother is in loving
I may not go to top of class as therapist mom - but I do know that R feels beloved always
Never a burden , always a gift
Never less, only unique
In R’s eyes , quite possibly, I am a dream of perfection
Just like he is my eyes
And though I want so much to be more, who I am -seems pretty good too
K blogs about her life as the mother of a charming 5 year old at Floortime Lite Mama
oh my - I am crying. You are an amazing mom and from what I've read here and on your blog your son could never feel anything BUT loved all the time. We all have so much knowledge - so many things we think we can and should do - but we just can't do it all. We're human. But the most human thing we can do is love our kids unconditionally. And you definitely do. Just a beautiful post.ReplyDelete
It seems to me, from reading your blog and your comments at mine, that you are indeed a loving and compassionate mother. This was a beautiful post.ReplyDelete
This is so beautifully written. :)ReplyDelete
I read this, while my just slightly older autie happened to be curled up in our own little C.ReplyDelete
And your words caused us both to share an extra long hug.
You truly sound like the best kind of mother to me.
Such a beautiful post. It's so hard to be both the mom and the therapist and it's unfortunate that we are expected to. I struggle with that balance but it sounds to me like you are doing a fabulous job.ReplyDelete