My post last month was in a bit of a haze....two days after Samantha's memorial service. Our world had been turned upside down.
Four weeks later I am happy to post that I have been able to get up in morning. I am dressed. My underwear has been changed. My teeth are brushed. I still love my husband. I can still smile and laugh; not bad for four weeks.
But it is quiet. Samantha was not verbal but our house certainly was noisy. It was full of therapists, nurses, equipment deliveries and calls to Children's Hospital. She kept our world busy without ever saying a word.
And now it is quiet. The silence is tangible; you can taste it. You can feel it.
We lost both our children to this awful mitochondrial disease. My husband and I are both healthy but deep down in the realms of crazy DNA, something goes very wrong when our genes decide to hook up.
Because of this, we will not have anymore biological children.
Would you adopt? I've been asked.
Would we adopt?
And my question to myself when I'm asked this is.....am I enough?
Am I enough?
Is my husband enough?
Are we enough to keep each other happy? To live a life without children?
To be a mother has always been a dream. The one thing I knew I wanted in life. And now I'm not so sure. My motherhood experience has been life-changing, heartbreaking and yet still wonderful but I don't think I would do it again.....
Not knowing what I know now. Hellish journeys tend to detour me from heading down that same path.
Are we enough?
Maybe we'll go on safari. No we don't have any living children but we did see a lion.
Sounds silly and inconsequential doesn't it?
Maybe we'll travel the world.
Would that be enough?
It won't. It couldn't. Being enough has to come from each other, from our journey together, from something deep within ourselves; from memories, from love. It will take time but maybe we could be enough.
We have to be.
Although I would like to go on safari.
You can find Heather at Samsmom
Heather, as usual, you grab my heart with your honest, beautiful writing. I love that about you, and wish for you a safari soon. Maybe Michelle can be your guide?ReplyDelete
These are the questions. The compelling, heart-wrenching, essential questions. And you the wrestler, wrestling them. And they are bigger than any lion-wresting safari available.ReplyDelete
I have a dear friend who soul-searched as to whether or not she would have children. She wanted to, desperately. Her husband, not so much. They went away on separate weekends to soul-search. He came back willing. She came back deciding that to bring a child into a home where one parent was merely "willing" wasn't worth it. She doesn't regret the decision, and she's a delightful auntie to both biological and other children. Samantha was both deeply wanted and deeply loved, as was Jack, and you will always be a mother because of those irrefutable facts. These decisions aren't all or nothing, black or white.
I respect you so deeply--your voice, your willingness to wrestle, your transparency.
Wow. These thoughts must be the beginnings of some powerful transformation. I find it amazing that you are able to articulate them so early, so well, so clearly. "Are we enough" will be a question that I will think about for a long, long time.ReplyDelete
Blessings to you and continued healing.
I have no children...not by choice. I can tell you, it is enough if you have love. Love finds a way to make the unbearable enough...it has to...it is all I have...love.ReplyDelete
Your grace, gentle humor, and dignity warm me each time I read one of your posts. I hope that you will find joy, laughter, and light, and have your enough, whatever that enough may be. ((()))