Tuesday, September 21, 2010

On Being Called "Mom"

I loved being called Mommy when my boys were small, and my non-verbal daughter Sophie, now fifteen years old, vocalized mmmmmmm a few times in her life where it appeared she was referring to me. My boys, now twelve and nine years old, call me Mom, most days, and sometimes they refer to me as mean mom when I refuse to get them something at Target or deny them three daily desserts.

I remember the first time I was referred to as Mom when my daughter was diagnosed with infantile spasms. She was three months old, and I was a first-time mother. It felt surreal to be a mother and almost sweet to be called Mom by nurses and doctors who traipsed into and out of the room. It was more shocking to be a mother in a hospital, practicing how to give ACTH (steroid) shots to an orange so that I'd feel more comfortable injecting my baby in the tiny muscle of her thigh when we got home. 

Over the years, I have variously been referred to as Mom in IEP meetings and at doctors' offices, and I have to say that it always makes my skin crawl. I find it undignified, in a way, a word that doesn't exactly conjure the same respect as Mother, for example, or goddess. I want my children to call me mom, and I even don't mind being referred to as Sophie's mom or Henry's mom or Oliver's mother. As much as I respect and relish the role of mom, I do believe that the mom in our current culture is The Mom -- the harried chauffeur, the one who is schlepping the children around, the one who drives a minivan and volunteers.  I am definitely The Mom, in that respect, and happy to be one, but I have to say that when I'm negotiating with a doctor over my daughter's healthcare needs, or fighting an insurance company or discussing my daughter's education in an IEP meeting, calling me Mom as in Mom has some concerns about such and such or Mom, how are we doing today? -- well, I'm going to bristle. The word is more of an endearment, to me, than an address. If we're going to continue down this much-welcomed path of patient-centered care where parents are equal partners in the care of their child, particularly those with special healthcare needs, we need to address one another by our names. 

Mom, what can I do for you today? the principal of my daughter's new school says.

Please don't call me Mom,  I'll say. My name is Elizabeth.  Please call me Elizabeth.

 

Elizabeth, the mom, the mother and the goddess posts regularly at her personal blog.

24 comments:

  1. Thankfully our schools have always called me Mrs. Vaughn. I can't even imagine a guy who graduated from our hometown university 3 years after I graduated high school calling me "mom". What happened to manners? Shudder.

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  2. I absolutely agree. I like your simple, direct response to the principal. I'm going to try it during my next IEP meeting. I'm not THEIR mom, afterall...

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  3. Ooooh. Good point. It is kind of campy and submissive, isn't it?
    "Goddess" on the other hand....me likey.

    And my heart goes out to you, as a first time mother, practicing on the orange.

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  4. Hurray, Elizabeth, for writing this. I detest being called "Mom"...but I have never, ever said anything. In the future, I wish to be addressed as Mrs. ...... It is a title that is appropriate for use by people who are neither family nor friends.

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  5. I never liked the 'Mom' thing. I always thought it was a way for them to avoid learning my name. I think goddess is a perfect substitute!

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  6. I think I've subconsciously detested this...but now that it's front-and-center in my psyche...I'm DEFINITELY correcting people!!

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  7. This is so true. I've always detested being addressed that way by doctors and nurses who've treated my kids. My kids are the only people who should be calling me Mom. From now on, I'm correcting!

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  8. You're absolutely right; it's condescending to be called mom by a medical professional or in the other situations you described. When my sons were younger (they're in college now and take themselves to the doctor and dentist) we had a new pediatrician who called me mom. I told her (nicely) that only my children call me that and in my professional life as an attorney I am called Ms. X. I went on to tell the doctor (who was looking startled) that she could call me Ms. X and I would call her Doctor Y or we could be less formal and call each other by our first names.
    She chose the first option but as the years went by and my daughter was born we got to know each other well enough to be on a first name basis. My daughter is 16 now and it won't be long until she's off to college and she'll no longer see the pediatrician.
    Now I have the people at the pet food store to contend with. It's the kind of store where customers are encouraged to bring their pets. I've taken our standard poodle there several times and each time, the store employees refer to be as the my dog's mom.

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  9. Doctors, nurses, speech therapists, occupational therapists, social workers and the whole lot of them, don't just do this to moms only. They do it to caregivers in general at any meeting or appointment. I agree it is condescending but I believe, for the most part, it is pure and simple laziness and thoughtlessness (what a word) on the part of the professional.
    My brother-in-law has brain damage as a result of a TBI. I am his guardian, conservator and primary caregiver. At meetings and appointments I have been referred to as the "wife", "his sister", "her", "she", "who are you again", and even just head nods in my direction. I always introduced myself with my hand out and state clearly that I am guardian and caregiver. I even carry the documentation with me. The first time I am referred to as something other than my name, I butt in, with my name. If it happens again, when I leave, I will forget the doctors name saying something like, "and you are Dr. . . . ." After all, it is me they will be speaking with and dealing with. The least they can do is write my name in the chart.

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  10. I agree, being called mom by professionals makes me cringe. I have no problem being referred to as Elijah's mom. It's when a therapist or doctor calls me mom as if I'm nameless that I don't like. I'm not their mom after all. I think it's usually just a cop-out to not remembering your name.

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  11. It works the same way for "dads" too! The funny thing is that the folks at my son's special needs school must be trained very well to respect the parents of those children. I've always been referred to as Mr. Waddell or Ben's father...of course I find it wonderful that I'm on a first name basis with Ben's teacher, Mr. Miller (Stan).

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  12. It always grates on me when the kids at my older son's school call me 'Carter's Dad'. I just say. 'My name is Ken or Mr. Ken.'
    I never even knew about this site until today. Wow...you'd think with as many different SN blogs as I read I'd have stumbled onto this by now. Just goes to show you...this world wide web is HUGE.

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  13. I definitely prefer "Goddess!"
    I once had a resident introduce me to the other students as "Dr. Mom" because I knew so much about my son's rare condition.
    It's weird but the mom thing has never bothered me that much. I'm always looking more at the professional's overall intentions and way of interacting with me.
    I know sometimes I've forgotten someone's name and had to use something like "so and so's dad."
    But I also get that using the generic mom kind of minimizes and depersonalizes the conversation. Can you imagine if we started saying: "Doc says ..."
    As always, love reading your writing.

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  14. Yep. You're totally right. It's a lazy way to address a person and not respectful at all when you're in that sort of a situation.

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  15. I am an ECSE Teacher. When I first started teaching, I was appalled to hear a colleague address a parent as mom instead of by name. I think that is incredibly rude. I think politely correcting the person is good so they don't continue to make that error. A good option if you forget a name (I am bad at names, even though I try hard) is to address the parent and Mrs/Ms/MR/Dr Smith. I can usually remember my student's last name. :) I introduce myself using my first name and so far parents have introduced themselves by first name too so that is what I use. But, I would have no problem using their last name if that was what made them more comfortable.

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  16. I got used to it, in the hospital, but it usually was just first-timers who called me "Mom." After a couple of meetings, it was "Katie's mom" or my actual name.
    I hear your meaning, and I sympathize, but I have to be honest and say, I am SO pathetic at recalling names that I would probably resort to this if I had so many parents to meet in a day.
    I wish we could just all wear nametags in this world. (Kidding.)
    I love your name. You are one of the few who uses the entire, lovely name Elizabeth. It's as beautiful & dignified as "goddess."

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  17. Can I call you Mum instead? It's the word, you know.

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  18. OMG you wrote what I thought but could not put the words to

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  19. LOVED the post! You are so right about how people tend to overlook and demean the title of "Mom." And it is a title to be respected; not refered to in that campy, let's pat her head way. Try this one, the next time the doctor, CSE chair, therapist or other person calls you that, refer to them by their first name. When they look at you shocked--SHOCKED--that you forget their title, smile. Remind them that respect goes both ways. Oh, and the response of "That's Ms. DIVA ADVOCACY MOM to you" also works. Finally, I can sympathize with the orange injections. I had to use small balls instead. Still doesn't prepare you does it?

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  20. I used to think it was because they (doctors, nurses, therapists) couldn't possibly remember all the names of all the parents. I got more cynical later and started to feel, in a certain handful of situations, that it was a way of discrediting my opinion or concerns. I absolutely prefer "Mary" to any another address, and I always state that, but if it had to be something else I'd choose "Expert" over "Mom". Sounds a little arrogant I know.

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  21. I've felt the same way many times. Most recently when the pediatrician was trying to explain that "we" were going to insist he sees a psychiatrist before school is in and that if my wife and I couldn't get an outpatient appointment, "We" were going to admit him. The "we" in there did not include me or my wife as we would rather go farther out of our way than put him in the hands of unknowns especially after Justina Pelletier. It didn't help that his English accent was bad. When he consistently addressed me as "Dad" it put me on a different level. It made me feel as if he were making sure I knew that I wasn't the expert and he had all the answers. I was something lesser, just the parent.

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