Grief

So here goes. I've not posted this anywhere in cyberspace.

I'm getting divorced.

In fact, I've never written those words down. Never. It feels strange, almost surreal.

But, it is real. Very real, and my amazing daughters now have 2 parents going through a divorce. Great. One more thing for them to have to deal with.

Me. I added another "thing" to the heaping plate full of life for my wonderful girls. Sigh.

It is bad enough they contend with Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency. Plus, they were both born prematurely due to my severe preeclampsia. Their sensory processing issues aren't much fun either. Now, they get divorced parents, who on the best days can barely be in each other's presence. On the worst, well...watch out for low flung commentary and general disdain.

I'm now grieving the loss of me, as I knew me.

Me. The wife.

Me. The best friend.

Me. The momma in a family unit.

Me. Not the single mom, soon-to-be.

I also have an amazing amount of guilt about it for my children. They didn't choose this path, but they get to ride along. They get to deal with parents, who have intense hurt feelings and are agonizing at the prospect of not having 100% access to their precious daughters.

I'm grieving mostly that my children's lives will change as they know it. I know children need structure and love and more structure.

My children have special needs...a special need to feel loved and know that their mommy and daddy will do their utmost best to treat each other like human beings with respect, dignity, and composure. I promise to try my best.

So even as I grieve, even as I deal with profound sadness and loneliness, even as I begin to embrace the change coming into my life, I know I'll always love them.

Parental love cannot be divorced from my life. That is for certain.