Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Miss the Hospital

I do, I miss Children's Hospital.

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Now how wrong is that???

Days after we lost Samantha, Grandpa Jim came to me with watery eyes.

"Don't be upset with this," he said "but I'll miss the time we spent in the hospital. Not when she was really sick but when we knew she would get out soon....that she was doing better. We all hung out, had dinner, drank smuggled wine and just talked."

Now how could I be upset with this? I knew exactly what he was talking about. "I know, I'll miss that time, that simple down time too."

But I never knew how much.

Our dear friend Jacob was in the hospital this week. I decided his mom, Maria needed smuggled wine and sushi.

I also needed smuggled wine, sushi, and a little Jacob and Maria I invited myself to Children's.

Driving up to the hospital, it had changed from 6 months ago. The holiday lights are up. They are building two new hotels on Colfax and have just started with the new many changes without us.

Because we need none of this.

Not anymore.

And nothing finalizes where we are in life than driving up to the hospital, a place I know so very well, a place that was the apex of our lives and realizing that we do not need this place anymore.

We never will.....not again

But maybe, just maybe, it needs me. Maybe if I can only bring smuggled wine and sushi, it is enough.

On the 9th floor, I watched Maria suction Jacob. Her eyes were as intent as a rocket scientist. She knows her Peanut well. She directed the nurses and finally sat down for a little glass of grape.

And we talked. We talked about Samantha, Jacob, the hospital, relationships, life, death. And I realized that the best thing about being in the hospital, with your kiddo doing okay, is that you can just 'be', and talk.....and so can your visitors. Everyone can slow down, eat a caterpillar roll and know that you all are in the best possible hands.

Is there anything better?

As I left, I stroked Jacob's thick hair, watched his lovely long eyelashes and commented on how he and Samantha look so much alike.

It was almost as if she was there.

She probably was.....telling me not to dismiss this place....this place that saved her life so many times. Maybe it still needs me. Maybe I need this place too.

Heather is a marketing professional and free lance writer trying to navigate her life without Samantha. You can find her at

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