I could see the sadness in the nurse’s eyes when I lay on the gurney holding my son. He was lethargic, pale and scared, and about to undergo his 12th brain surgery for a VP shunt malfunction. I was the only one smiling. I am pretty sure they, at least the one nurse, expected me to cry. I really wanted to but I knew I could not. Though the knot in my chest and throat tightened, I swallowed it whole and smiled more. “The feeling follows the behavior”, I repeated in my head. I have trained myself to this and it serves me well almost all of the time.