Sunday, August 5, 2012

Reclaiming a childhood

We are moving

I am going through all of R’s old toys – sorting out the things we want to keep and the things we want to donate

I and my friends have talked about how painful this can be

For you are not really sorting through things, as much as you are sorting through the different versions of you when you bought those things

All those earlier incarnations of you with the different hopes and fears of each stage

The blocks that gave way to the flash cards

Then the pretend play sets

 The endless flashcards

 And all those things from super duper inc

 I tried to do a sorting out a couple of years ago – but had to stop

Today, thankfully, it does not hurt

Time has healed so much

Autism has become our normal and R our perfect whole complete child .

 I think of one of the worst things about the early years of parenting an autistic child is that you get robbed of the joy of having a little one

This precious time wasted away with worry and anxiety !!!

 ( this is the most important reason I keep wanting to help new parents be more hopeful and positive and staying in the present )

We develop eyes that see everything through the lens of pathology

 Everything a trait of autism, all gifts as splinter skills

But one of the gifts of acceptance is how I can even look back at that time and think about all the light and sweetness that was and is R

I smile at the tattered "my first numbers book"( one of many first numbers book ) - how he would stare at the page that said "7" with the 7 brightly colored balls

Once it was a memory of autism –now it’s just a memory of something my little guy loved

 So what if that Thomas Train Sets ,main attraction remained the number that was on them etc and were never quite played with in the typical ways
So what if stuffed toys never meant anything to while foam numbers meant everything

That is just what he liked and who he is

 Our thoughts are powerful

With our thoughts not only do we create our present ,but we also create our past

For like the present, the past is also an interpretation

And now, when I look at old pictures –I don’t see a child with special needs and a mother with special pain

I just see a small fat cute child ..a mother that loves

In this way, a lovely babyhood is reclaimed

Floortime Lite Mama write about life, love and autism at


  1. I can relate to your concept of rewinding to reclaim precious moments. So often, for me, I was so traumatized initially by the fear of the moment in so many of my son's life experiences, his diagnosis, his many tests and surgeries. I too felt like I was robbed of happiness. Like you again, it is in looking back with a different perspective that has helped me to feel better. Sometimes it feels like we live backwards doesn't it?! Great post.

    1. Thank you Lisa so much
      love your profile picture

  2. that was beautiful!! And so are you!