Friday, May 11, 2012

The gift of forgiveness

On Sunday I will celebrate Mother's Day.  About 3 and a half years ago I was made a mommy through adoption.  Our son is such a joy and blessing to us.  When I held his chubby little 18 month old body in my arms I was so thrilled. 

He wasn't.  My son had been tragically abused by the woman who had given birth to him.  He was born drug addicted and has Shaken Baby Syndrome.  That is just the physical part.  He was terrified of women.  When he came to our home he clung to my husband like a life preserver.  He wouldn't come near me.  If my voice got to loud he shrunk and cowered.  It was a tough time for us. 

What was harder for me was my anger against his bio mom.  I couldn't understand how you could do that to a child.  I wanted to hunt her down.  I had fantasies about how I would yell at her and how she would wither away under my wrath.  I had a whole script, trust me.  I had visions of shaking her as well. 

But then I had time to calm down.  I had time to think.  I learned about her sad history.  A life in foster care, no real family, bad choice after bad choice.  Don't get me wrong, I am not excusing what she has done, but I started to see that she had no one and no hope.  So I stopped being mad. 

Fast forward to this coming Mother's Day.  My son and I have come a long way.  He is now louder than me.  I get hugs and snuggles on a regular basis.  My son is not as nervous around strange women.  He will always have the scars and physical issues but they have made him a stronger and braver person.

So now I am ready to give a gift to his biological mother.  I am forgiving her.  I forgive her for damage she has done, for her bad choices, for not being a good parent.  I am moving on with the knowledge that I can't change the past, but I can change the future. 

Happy Mother's Day. 
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Amy Fields is an adoptive parent and is in the process of trying to adopt another special needs child.  You can read her blog Many Kinds of Families at


  1. Wow, this was beautiful! I really applaud your efforts to forgive her; I can't imagine that would be easy at all. My nephew was adopted and my sister doesn't have a lot of information about his time with his bio family. But there are clues that not all was well--scars on his head, learning disabilities, many things like that. And it's hard for me to imagine my wonderful nephew having possibly been abused in his first three years of life. I think it's better that we aren't sure.

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