It’s been such a difficult few months around here. Between the holidays and all the angst they stir up, the start of a new school program for my son, new medications, new diagnoses, the consistent lack of sleep or very broken sleep…
As you might imagine, it’s been more than a bit overwhelming. I’ve found myself going through wild mood swings and deep depression. Grief and anger dance in and out of moments of giddy laughter and quiet tenderness. The highs are so damned high and the lows feel even lower lately. I find myself, so often, feeling “on the verge” and it worries me.
So, when an opportunity to do something out of the ordinary presented itself to me, I said a tentative “yes” to the universe. Yes, brave and enthusiastic of me, wasn’t it? (sarcasm) It took me a while to fully embrace the idea. After all, it involves getting on a plane, leaving my husband and son on their own for nearly forty-eight hours, and allowing myself to be unencumbered by autism, by cerebral palsy, hearing loss, vision impairments, cardio-pulmonary or gastric issues which my son faces daily. It means SLEEP. Well, at least, I hope it does.
And you know what? The anticipation of this event has been my lifeline. I knew I was drowning and couldn’t seem to find a way to save myself. But now? Now I will hold on to this lifeline with everything I’ve got and I will allow myself to be buoyed by the love and camaraderie of my friends in a way I seldom allow because my family needs me to be whole and happy and revitalized by things which have nothing to do with schools, doctors, lawyers or therapists.
They say laughter is the best medicine. If so, I plan to overdose this weekend. I don’t think there’s such a thing as too much of that good thing, do you?
When was the last time you let yourself truly let go and do something just for you? Don’t be like me; don’t wait seven years —or even seven months— to rekindle your inner spark.
Feed your fire.
Niksmom is allowing herself to feel a smidge more upbeat these days. She might even be found blogging a bit more over at Maternal Instincts.