Saturday, January 29, 2011

Fanning the Flames

It’s been such a difficult few months around here.  Between the holidays and all the angst they stir up, the start of a new school program for my son, new medications, new diagnoses, the consistent lack of sleep or very broken sleep…

As you might imagine, it’s been more than a bit overwhelming.  I’ve found myself going through wild mood swings and deep depression.  Grief and anger dance in and out of moments of giddy laughter and quiet tenderness.  The highs are so damned high and the lows feel even lower lately. I find myself, so often, feeling “on the verge” and it worries me. 

So, when an opportunity to do something out of the ordinary presented itself to me, I said a tentative “yes” to the universe.  Yes, brave and enthusiastic of me, wasn’t it? (sarcasm)  It took me a while to fully embrace the idea.  After all, it involves getting on a plane, leaving my husband and son on their own for nearly forty-eight hours, and allowing myself to be unencumbered by autism, by cerebral palsy, hearing loss, vision impairments, cardio-pulmonary or gastric issues which my son faces daily. It means SLEEP.  Well, at least, I hope it does.

And you know what? The anticipation of this event has been my lifeline.  I knew I was drowning and couldn’t seem to find a way to save myself.  But now? Now I will hold on to this lifeline with everything I’ve got and I will allow myself to be buoyed by the love and camaraderie of my friends in a way I seldom allow because my family needs me to be whole and happy and revitalized by things which have nothing to do with schools, doctors, lawyers or therapists.

They say laughter is the best medicine. If so, I plan to overdose this weekend.  I don’t think there’s such a thing as too much of that good thing, do you?

When was the last time you let yourself truly let go and do something just for you? Don’t be like me; don’t wait seven years —or even seven months— to rekindle your inner spark. 

Feed your fire.



Niksmom is allowing herself to feel a smidge more upbeat these days.  She might even be found blogging a bit more over at Maternal Instincts.


  1. You had me at sleep. I don't know how it is possible to do everything for our kids, and nothing for ourselves. Thank you for the reminder to rekindle that spark before it goes out.

  2. When the youngest was about 4 I started leaving for about 6 days every 18mths to 2yrs. My Mother comes and helps and I travel. I've been to Boston, LA, Charlotte NC, and Ottawa, Ont so far. These are places where there are online friends to visit.

  3. You deserve love and laughter in your life everyday. Every day. 'Cause that's the kind of amazing person that you are. I hope you got the sleep you needed.

  4. I LOVE that you're doing this! I think getting away on your own for a few days is very therapeutic!
    I did it a couple of years ago and I just loved the freedom of being on my own. You will have to tell us how it goes!

  5. I missed this yesterday...SO thrilled to read it and I sincerely hope it was all that you needed to help you travel a little lighter on this journey for a bit! I especially hope that despite the great fun and friends that you were able to SLEEP!

  6. I can't say I got an awful lot of sleep, but I can assure everyone that my heart is full and my emotional battery very much re-charged. And I laughed like I haven't laughed in years. I promise myself that I won't wait so long to have that much fun again!

  7. I felt like you were speaking my heart. My son Nic has broken sleep and it has caused so many issues in my physical and mental life. Weight gain, hair loss, and i'm not sure how my husband is still around some days because of my horrible attitude. But God is good and He keeps me from running away. I love my girls weekends even though they are infrequent. I enjoy sleeping and sleeping and sleeping! I hope, truly hope, you have an energizing weekend. Know that your family needs you strong and with a clear mind. You are not alone and now I know I'm not either.

  8. Beth I am so happy that you were able to re-charge. Love

  9. HOORAY! for laughter and fun and re-charging. may it carry and strengthen you until you can feed the fire again.

  10. Sooooo glad you had a break .. you absolutely deserve it
    do update how was your break