Tomorrow is Mother's Day, a day when we are to celebrate the woman who care for and nurture us. As an adult I still remember to call my mother, to send her a card ( although rarely on time) and try to take a few minute to connect with other women who are have played an important role in my life. That is my role as a daughter and I must say that it is the easiest part of this day.
Celebrating Mothers day as a Mother is a much different story for me. My sons are adopted and so this particular day is hard for them as I am not their only mother but I am the only mother they get to celebrate with. There were 4 mothers before me and the loss of each of those woman has been significant for my sons. They can not reach out to them tomorrow to thank them for the role they have played in their lives. It is the sad, hard reality that they live with, it is the difficult reality of older child adoption.
The boys want to make me feel special on this day of appreciation and there have been lots of secret meetings with their Dad but underneath that excitement is grief and loss. I see it in their behaviour as the day draws closer and closer. They are unable to express just how they are feeling partially because they are kids and partially because they want do not want to hurt me. Their cognitive delays also complicate matters and make it difficult for them to express what is going on They quickly become disregulated in their excitement and the feelings behind what is happening are lost in the anger that takes over.
Mother's Day is a brilliant idea for neurotypical kids in "Leave it Beaver" families but for the rest of the world it is a challenge. There are lots of reasons for this day to be hard and adoption is only one of them.
I would like to rename tomorrow " Celebrating Parents who Love Kids Day" I think that it is far more inclusive of the world we live in and takes a whole lot of the pain away from focussing only on the Moms. Parenting is hard work and I think that we should take the time to celebrate the gift that is family rather than just one person in it.
May your day, whatever you choose to call it, be a celebration of the gifts that each of you brings to your family.
J. blogs about being a everyday Mom at Stellar Parenting