On Wednesday, it will be 6 months since my husband and father of my children has died. Still very fresh in my mind, although I am starting to feel the various phases of grief. Now, I seem to be hovering in anger.
I was happy to have my anger drive me to get G. into a good grade school. Anger should be a productive thing, not turned inwards as depression. It’s all too easy to have control over the situation by using oneself as a punching bag, since others seem too far out of reach. But knowing that, I won’t go there.
I’m back to work full-time, so more tired than ever. G’s idiosyncrasies, not to mention those of his older brothers, can sometimes feel overwhelming. Again, knowing that I cannot, as one person, save the world, I feel free to leave the three boys to themselves to sort it out. I promise myself dates out with friends; movies on DVD; chocolate; a rich fantasy life.
Shortly after J. died, I had a revelation that I, myself, would like to live. But it’s only recently that, emerging from the fog of sadness, I need to dedicate myself to also being happy, not just walking through life in a simmering resentment. That’s going to be a little bit of work as life is indeed a challenge of great magnitude.
My best friend of over 20 years has made it clear she cannot cope with the intensity of my new life; my parents cannot speak the name of the tragedy that’s befallen me, but like some other shallow relationships I have, they are hoping I can get back to “normal” soon. To a certain degree, death of a spouse sorts out who’s who in your life and I expect there is some normality in the results I’ve seen. It just hurts. And hurting makes me angry now.
I was on a corporate video shoot the other day with a bible study class from a southside Chicago black church. I told the women that I admire people of faith. They asked me if I had faith in God, which I do not. I was handed a large packet of information that might guide me in that direction. However, I think looking at it clearly, I’ll need to develop more faith in myself. Not only do I need to care for those around me, but taking care of the vessel that is "me" doesn’t come, for some reason, as naturally. So, I pray, to whom I don’t know, that everyday will come and go without drama and instead, a sense of calm contentment. It sounds easy, but maybe you can pray for me too.
There might be unexpected value in keeping some connection with those South Side women. I am not religious, but will pray in my own way that daily moments of peace and some sisters-in-arms come your way.ReplyDelete
It is especially difficult when friends and family can't even witness the depth of your feeling, but slowly new friends will appear who can hold the truths of your lived existence, and walk with you.
I am so grateful that you posted this. There are many people who, for whatever reason, cannot come along on the path that we have been given to walk. We still must walk it. I agree with you about the shallow relationships - they fall away, and we don't miss them - but the longer-term, deeper ones - that abandonment does hurt, and I'm so very sorry it's happening now to you. HOWEVER, if they cannot deal with your life as it is now, me experience shows that you are truly better off without them. I have faith that you will not be alone and friendless; you will have what you need. I am praying now that you will be led clearly to the resources you need, and that you will have eyes to see, and ears to hear. I do believe in God, and I pray that His/Her love and blessings will enfold you and your family and comfort you every step of this path.ReplyDelete
I, too, will pray in my own sometimes deep and often haphazard way that you will find peace and comfort and ease.ReplyDelete
Your writing is, as always, beautiful, and that you share such intensity with others is good.
I very much hope that you will find peace and offer you support. This is a tragedy and you will get through it.ReplyDelete
Many kind thoughts
It's so difficult for others to understand that their view of "normal" for your life will not magically appear. You're finding your way to a new "normal." I will add my prayers for your life to have more havens of calm and tranquility, less drama, and unexpected possibilities.ReplyDelete
As for those church women? You odn't have to embrace their brand of faith to forge a bond. When my son was born so early and so fragile, I was not a woman of faith but I allowed those around me who had deep faith to exercise it on my son's (and my) behalf. In the process, I began to find my own version of faith. Not the same as theirs but it brings me comfort.
"So, I pray, to whom I don’t know, that everyday will come and go without drama and instead, a sense of calm contentment."ReplyDelete
May it be so. May it be easier for you soon.