Saturday, April 3, 2010

They're Here

On the day many Christians celebrate renewal, I thought I'd share a bit of my own personal renewal...

It usually begins this time of year.

They come.

They come without me inviting them to my life.

They come like perfectly timed bombs.

They come to remind me.

They come to be remembered.

They bring the rawest guilt and grief even nearly 8 years since their first visit.

They find a way to unsettle me...unnerve me.

They are not wanted.

They are flashbacks of my pregnancies spiraling down the rabbit hole.

Severe preeclampsia robbed me of a normal pregnancy experience, whatever the hell that is.

It nearly claimed my life twice.

It nearly claimed the lives of my children.

It created two premature babies with lifelong side effects.

It changed my relationships with people.

It caused me post traumatic stress.

It is an evil beast I'd like to slay.

It was not fair.

It was not my fault.

It just happens to 12% of all pregnant women.

It happened to me.

It is unwanted here.

Yet, it reminds me of my precious gifts in Grace Ann and Meghan Rose.

So, I'll let severe preeclampsia and NICU flashbacks stay for a few days, but then they can "hit the bricks" until next year.

I'm ready to celebrate the lives of Grace and Meghan instead.

1 comment:

  1. Been there....
    I spent 8wks at home with the first - born one week late. 18hrs being slammed of my left hip with their drugs until they finally did the c-section... Mild PDD - now NLD.
    I spent 5 days in antenatal with the second... he was born 5 days later, c-section... 36hrs after I told them he stopped moving.. 13 days early... after his heart rate crashed... it had crashed when we arrived but they just shuttled us into antenatal instead. Severly Autistic.
    I can find the "quirks" in our gene pool to have started us on this road. But I am positive, there is more than just a few quirky gene's to little boys' autism..... But there's no changing what was... so we move on to what is. Although I do want an MRI done one day on his brain... I'm curious, is it the ASD wiring, or brain damage??