They're Here

On the day many Christians celebrate renewal, I thought I'd share a bit of my own personal renewal...

It usually begins this time of year.

They come.

They come without me inviting them to my life.

They come like perfectly timed bombs.

They come to remind me.

They come to be remembered.

They bring the rawest guilt and grief even nearly 8 years since their first visit.

They find a way to unsettle me...unnerve me.

They are not wanted.

They are flashbacks of my pregnancies spiraling down the rabbit hole.

Severe preeclampsia robbed me of a normal pregnancy experience, whatever the hell that is.

It nearly claimed my life twice.

It nearly claimed the lives of my children.

It created two premature babies with lifelong side effects.

It changed my relationships with people.

It caused me post traumatic stress.

It is an evil beast I'd like to slay.

It was not fair.

It was not my fault.

It just happens to 12% of all pregnant women.

It happened to me.

It is unwanted here.

Yet, it reminds me of my precious gifts in Grace Ann and Meghan Rose.

So, I'll let severe preeclampsia and NICU flashbacks stay for a few days, but then they can "hit the bricks" until next year.

I'm ready to celebrate the lives of Grace and Meghan instead.