Saturday, August 27, 2011

Cracks in the Windshield

  Almost 10 years ago I witnessed my youngest niece being born

In the delivery room, it was me that cleared my throat amidst the room full of rapidly moving nurses and asked something along the lines of

"Uh, I don't know much - but isn't that the babies head?"

Moments later she came into this world

It seems like yesterday

It seems like a lifetime ago


I try to live my life without regrets. Regrets are such a waste.


I was already a big part of my older nieces life

We took her for March Break and/or during the summer

We made trips to her town 3 hours away to spend time with her

We went to all of her birthdays

I sent cards and little gifts "just because"


I had plans for my youngest niece

She had a piece of my heart, a bond like no other


And then I became a mom

And next thing I knew, she was turning 10

Last year our world shattered and fell down around us

As we picked up the pieces I realized

Rather than shattering suddenly

Our life had been cracking under the pressure, lines snaking through like that of a windshield

first a small stone chip or two

As time went on, often almost immeasurably, the cracks lengthened

until one day it all shattered


For 9 years the cracks had been creeping through our life

Not unnoticed, but each crack noted, possibly obscured in some way

(because if you don't see it, it's not there don't you know?)

and then purposely forgotten about

denial being a marvellous and powerful thing at such times


Our son needed so much

required so much of us

struggled to fit in the world around him

We lost friends, stopped going out

We gave up on parties and group outings

We struggled and more times than not failed to make it to family occasions

We had good reasons

We were doing the best we could

But we lost sight of the cracks and what the sum of them would mean


My niece will be turning 10

So many years lost with her and her sister

But this past week she and her older sister came to visit

Because enough was enough


I needed to be their Aunt and they needed to know that they are part of our lives,

that they fit

that they belong too


They came here for almost a week

It was amazing and exhausting and exhilarating

For all of us


We planned and shopped for my nieces dream birthday party - her and I

Today we pulled it off

Just for her

To make her feel special

To let her know how much we love her and how amazing she is

My husband held down the fort at home

We made it happen


I love my nieces

And as they lived their lives here this week

I tried not to feel regret

that the cracks in our life have kept us apart so much


I tried to focus instead on creating memories

And finished the job on that windshield

I smashed it and threw it away

in the trash where it belongs

We are living this life sans windshield

We have had enough of those annoying cracks


Instead we will feel the wind on our faces

Sun on our hair

Perhaps some bugs in our teeth

But we'll do it all together

And we'll be singing at the top of our lungs


mom2spiritedboys is the mother of two very spirited boys and is now embracing extreme parenting in the trenches after trying to fight it for many years. She is married to a wonderful man who works hard to ignore the state of disrepair of their home and made her the happiest woman on earth when he took over laundry duty in its entirety in September 2009. You can read more from her at her personal blog Spirited Blessings

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