My son sits in the chair, slumped over, his head in his hands. When he lifts his head and looks at me there are tears in his eyes that he is trying to hold back.
He starts to speak "I just . . . " his voice waivers. His mouth closes and he seems to be searching for the words. He lifts his shoulders and shrugs, passing his hand through his hair. His mouth opens as he tries again "I can't go!" he shouts. At first I try to pass over his words, to convince him that he will be alright once he gets there. Transitions are often the hardest for him. If I can just get him out the door, I think, then I can finally get my work done. But before I can speak he looks at me, this time straight in the eyes, a rare occurrence for my oldest son.
"Please Mom" he begs, actually putting his hands together in a pleading motion."Please don't make me go. I can't do it. I'm exhausted. It's exhausting trying to be who they want me to be!"
His words, his tears, the tone of his voice hit me hard. This is not a ploy, this is not an issue that will pass in a few moments. My son who struggles to relay even the simplest of information has just made a soulful and heartbreaking declaration.
I go to him and kneel before him. I take him in my arms and he falls onto my lap from the chair. As he sobs against me, trying to curl his five foot frame into my lap, I hear him whisper over and over "I'm just not ever good enough"
I cannot, I will not, ignore his words. I will honour his voice. He has found the words to explain to me and I will listen.
mom2spiritedboys is the mother of two very spirited boys and is now embracing extreme parenting in the trenches after trying to fight it for many years. She is married to a wonderful man who works hard to ignore the state of disrepair of their home and made her the happiest woman on earth when he took over laundry duty in its entirety in September 2009. You can read more from her at her personal blog Spirited Blessings
Oh. my. goodness. That breaks my heart. I just want to reach out and give him a hug - and you too...Bless you both...ReplyDelete
Oh my dear, what a wonderful woman you are and what a lucky young man to have you as a mother!ReplyDelete
I am sure that post was tough to write, but after it was written ---did you feel a bit of relief?ReplyDelete
My son has said much the same words to me... it is so hard for these kids to realize that they aren't meeting society's expectations--.
We as parents know that they are trying -- so very hard-- but often they are seen as lacking social skills and impluse control.
I sometimes struggle to find the postitive statement that will counter his negative one-- Sometimes I resort to just speaking about why I find him lovely-- his blue eyes,his sweet little freckles-- his laugh that is so contagious.
But, sometimes I know that just listening to him get it out is best.
Lovely, well written post!
So well said. Thanks for sharing this. There are many who know exactly that moment.ReplyDelete
Forever the optimist, I see some silver linings to this moment. He trusts you with his most intimate feelings and from this foundation, you will all grow. He is knowing himself more and more - probably a decade before many "typical" people, and that will so important to him having a full life where he knows he belongs. You are an amazing parent.
This is so heartbreaking, and yet how wonderful that he found the words to tell you his feelings. It is a start, right? It has to be.ReplyDelete
This is absolutely heartbreaking, I am so sorryReplyDelete