Sunday, February 28, 2010

Trying to lift the veil

It's the 28th of the month, my day to post for this wonderful site. I feel like a fraud writing to you today. Hopeful parent? Not. For the last few months, I've been struggling with my first major depression. I feel such a sense of utter inadequacy as a parent. I try to tell myself that I'm not in my right mind, that this self-flagellation is undeserved and counterproductive. Deep inside me, however, I fear that if I let myself off the hook, I will just continue to fail my children and their complex, overwhelming, unrelenting needs. I haven't written on my own blog in weeks. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to offer.

I'm on my second antidepressant (the first caused symptoms of extreme anxiety), and at times I do feel a slight lifting of the veil that has darkened my view of the world. I try to believe that's a good thing, that I deserve to feel better, need to feel better, want to feel better. But I don't believe it, and I almost welcome each new wave of sadness and self-hatred.

In the meantime, I keep taking my med every day, even though I don't think I am worthy of feeling better. I see my therapist. I do my best to take care of my boys, and I haven't missed a single meeting with their teachers, therapists, doctors or case managers.

I hope next month, I have something better to say.

15 comments:

  1. Mama Mara. I'm sorry. I understand. I hope you get to feeling better soon. I have been in therapy for many years and depression and anxiety are the "common colds" of mental health, if that makes you feel any better. The first time I heard that, it helped me. I struggled with finding the right antidepressant myself, and that in itself is a task. Sending you peace...

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  2. I have depression too. It makes everything so much harder. And it makes you lose faith in yourself. But don't believe it. And good for you for taking steps to help yourself. My thoughts are with you.

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  3. many many many hugs
    hope you feel better soon

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  4. Yea!!! I found you, by accident... or serendipity... I just emailed Tanya at Teen Autism wanting to check on you. You haven't posted for 25 days, so I was so worried. My thoughts and prayers have been with you since I read your posts last week. I only check in periodically so was so saddened to hear of your latest struggles. You are by NO means a fraud as a mother. We all have good and bad days; the trick is to learn from each. Our kids are resilient, even with their difficult tendencies. My first antidepressant (lexapro) made me sleep for 18 hours a day. I am now on effexor and stratera for the dopamine so I can keep my but in a chair. They added abilify for a bit, but that caused weight gain and breast lumps due to the interaction with prolactin. Unfortunately, the meds are just another bump in the ever rocky journey. Hang in there. You are only human; cut yourself the slack that you would cut others! Hugs and thoughts.
    -Melinda

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  5. Oh, my friend. Just know that you are loved and missed and thought of constantly.

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  6. Mama,
    My life has bits like yours, and bits like "Rhema and Hope" blog. I read you every day, especially last year during a hard time. I went back on anti-depressant, Lexapro. I may not have needed anti-depressants if I did not have this life, who knows. But, I better stay on medication, so I can take care of my family. Hugs to you, and to each person who has tears in their eyes today. It will get better. S.

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  7. You've been on my mind, sweetheart. I love you, and I'm glad that you know - at least in theory - that you DO deserve to feel better and that you WILL feel better and it WILL be OK. Depression fecking sucks on every level. I appreciate you admitting that it feels right and almost comfortable as another wave washes over you. I know that feeling well. It's as though the depression has you brainwashed to believe you are worth nothing more than that. The depression is wrong.
    love
    love
    love you.
    pixie

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  8. "But I don't believe it, and I almost welcome each new wave of sadness and self-hatred."
    This is profound. I've never heard depression explained this way.
    What you are thinking about yourself right now is not true. It isn't.
    Love.

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  9. I so hope you are feeling better soon. I hope you soon realize that you deserve to feel better. It took me 3 years of a serious sleep disorder and 3 months of a non-stop screaming newborn, and resulting overwhelming depression and weight loss (due to lack of appetite) to plummet to a place where I finally felt like I 'deserved' to feel better and "deserved" medication. Luckily for me I responded extremely well to the first medication my psychiatrist prescribed. Without going into details, it helped. A LOT. The meds made all the tools I'd learned in therapy over the years SO MUCH easier to use. Perhaps most importantly they helped me be a better mom to my beautiful son, who I know deserved to have a mom that was not depressed!! So good to know you are getting help, and I hope the veil lifts for you so that you can see what a great mother you are and how much you've helped and supported your sons AND so many people out in the ether with you blog! We're only human, and you absolutely deserve all the good things that come to you. Lots of hugs to you.

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  10. Mama Mara, I'm so sorry to read this...but I'm glad, too, because you're reaching out. I just read last night that Marie Osmond's son (probably) took his own life this weekend. I was in a place where I was feeling sorry for myself and was convinced the world would be a better place without me in it. That is so not true, and I wish that everyone could realize that in their dark hour.
    I don't really know how i got out of my funk. I can't even recognize now when it happened. I couldn't afford meds or a therapist, so I really envy you that. I'm trying to offer encouragement, and I would still LOVE to have a therapist of my own. LOL
    Go get a massage, or a pedicure, or a haircut, or go to church and eavesdrop on choir practice. Do something relaxing, get a change of scenery, if even just for an afternoon, if it's in any way possible. I won't say you deserve it, because you might just dismiss me out of hand for saying those words, but I will say I think it could be important. Nobody deserves to welcome sadness and self-loathing. God bless you!

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  11. I have been thinking of you and checking your site frequently worrying about how you are doing. I am so sorry to read that you have been having such a rough time. I have no words of wisdom or advice to offer you, but I am thinking of you every day and hoping for the veil to lift soon.
    Love.

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  12. Those feelings aren't just gender related and you are incredibly brave to be so honest. I hope you realize just from the number of comments here that you are not alone. Anxiety and depression are a merit badges in the world of Exceptional Living. I'm on my second anti-depressant and my wife is on her third. Also I recently fessed up to my alcoholism which began not long after my son was born. Seek the help you need, take time for yourself, and never fear sharing with ANY of us at HP.

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  13. I hear you. I'm thinking about you. You aren't alone. ((HUGS))

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