Thursday, February 12, 2015

Trauma Woes

I admit it, I hate trauma.

It colors everything you do and tips your world upside down.  It takes your soul and leaves it battered and scarred.

Last week Marvin had a huge trigger episode.  Normally we know when they are coming and can head them off at the pass.  This time it snuck up on us like a thief in the night.

We were getting ready for bed.  The rage came without warning and we lost our happy little boy.  For about an hour,  He was so angry and discombobulated.  All we could do is hold him tight, rock and soothe him.  We called his therapist at 8pm.  We racked our brains afterwards.  We couldn't think of anything.  I cried all night long.  I cried because it isn't fair.  I cried because it isn't right.  I cried because once again my child had a memory trigger and had to relive horrific abuse.

Normally he bounces back.  This time has been different.  He and I spent the weekend sick on the sofa.  This week he has clung to me.  I can't even go to the bathroom without him hanging outside the door.  I realize as a mom that you give up the right to pee privately anyway, but still this has been different.

We realize that he has a lot going on.  We have a once in a lifetime trip to Disney coming up!  While most kids are over the moon the trauma child's voice echos "Will I be safe?  Will you take care of me?"  He will be excited once we get there and he gets involved.  I know my boy.  But right now it is one anxiety after another.  Will there be bathrooms?  What if there are bad people there?  What if something happens to our car?  What if a shark eats us on the way down?  Even the silly becomes something to be feared.

I have to remind myself how far he's come when things go bad.  I remember when it used to be a struggle to get him to preschool.  How when we got there he spent some days unhappy and the car rides home screaming that he was never going back.  It took a lot of work and therapy to discover that he didn't like that I was the teacher and leader and when he misbehaved guess who he got sent to? Now mind you I'm not a horrible person.  Most kids enjoyed having extra teacher time.  We put a few works back on the shelf, rolled some rugs, looked at a book.  Come on, this is some serious individualized attention.  I swear I had one child who made it their mission to see me everyday:).  But for Marvin it was more of an issue. For him it was the fact that he was "in trouble" with mom.  And moms aren't safe people.  They hurt their children.  Over and over again.  If I could go back and have a do over I would have insisted that we did it differently.  But I didn't know.  So we muddled through the best we could.

Now he enjoys school.  And he realizes that yes, mom gets flustered, but mom is safe.  Mom cuddles, tussles, plays, and most of all loves her kids.  With all her being.

But to be hit with this storm last week was hard.  It was watching everything I worked so hard for be unravelled right in front of my eyes.  His therapist called it pre-verbal trauma.  In a nutshell something happened to Marvin when he was a tiny bean that was so horrifically bad that it was repressed until now.  We did everything right.  We met him at the level he was at.  What hurts is that whatever demon it was may be back again.

So this week I feel like I've been on eggshells.  I've kept my voice quieter.  Sharp words that form on my tongue have been stifled.  Lots of cuddles, hugs, books, songs, and whispers.  Whispers that say, you are safe.  You are loved.  Nothing is going to happen to you.

He's finally coming around and I feel like I've battled a tiger.  And I'm not quite sure who won.  But I know this.  Marvin is safe, he is loved so very much.  And if he can't believe it right now I'll just believe harder for the two of us.  Because I'm his mom and his sanctuary.  And I also know that he's a survivor.  And whatever the trauma or the storm we will meet it head on and together.




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Amy Fields is a mother of two special needs children and is getting a much needed break in Florida.  You can follow her on her blog Many Kinds of Families

5 comments:

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  2. Hello everyone my name is Sophie,i am from Canada I feel very happy to share my great and wonderful testimony with everyone on this platform..: I was married for 4 years to my husband and all of a sudden another woman came into the picture he started hating me and he was abusive and all because i never bear him a child. but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost.... He filed for divorce and my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do, he moved out of the house and abandoned me all alone,one day a very close friend of mine told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back,so i went online to search and i came across so many spell caster who only wasted my time and took a lot of money from me,but i went back to her and told her that spiritual way has only taking my money and not yielding anything, and she introduced me to a spell caster,drgurulovespelltemple@yahoo.com, so i decided to try it. although i didn't believe in all those things because of what i have gone through lately,i contacted the Doctor and explain all my problems to him and he told me that i shouldn't worry that when he cast the spell on me and my husband that my husband is going to run back to me and that within 3weeks am going to get pregnant,so i did the little he ask me to do and behold it all work out,my husband run back to me and right now we have Twins boy and a girl,so all thanks to Dr Guru you're indeed a great spell caster, in case anyone needs help here is his email address; drgurulovespelltemple@yahoo.com His spells is for a better life OR whatsapp him now +2349023365076

    ReplyDelete
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    You can get your ex back and cure your infertility problems with Dr. Odunga.

    When I met Dr. Odunga, my husband had divorced me because I was a barren woman of 41 and I have been married for 21 years. I was devastated and confused as a woman of my age until when I went online to look for help on how to get my marriage back then I met Dr. Odunga. Within 48 hours of contacting him, my ex husband came back home and pleaded for me to forgive him and take him back after 5 months of divorce. I accepted him back and then I told Dr. Odunga of my bareness for him to help me with child. He did the spell and sent me the natural herbs for fertility that I will use and immediately I used this medicine, I conceived. My husband got me pregnant and I gave birth to a baby girl. Presently, I am a mother of a beautiful girl and I am happy in my marriage. This is all thanks to Dr. Odunga and his wonderful work. Contact Dr. Odunga Via Whats App number +2348167159012. Email at: odungaspelltemple@gmail.com

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