My adoption journey has never been a simple path. It seems like when my parents took that same journey many years ago, they went in, requested kids, had a visit or two, and whamo two little girls came into their home. Easy peasy right?
For us we have dealt with social workers, classes that tell you your kid will have issues, foster families, and a system so broken that it seems like it just should be scrapped and someone should come up with a whole new one. Roller coaster days and nights.
But never in all this mess did I have to worry about bio parents. Until last month. Last month I took my anger, resentment, hostility, and fear to court. My social worker had sent me soothing e-mails about what a good Christian I was and that she was sure I would treat Cary's bio family with compassion. But I alas, am very flawed. I didn't feel compassion. Many other things, but compassion, not so much.
Our case was at ten so naturally we didn't get into the court room until 12:30. Thankfully I had support that day. A friend of mine came and sat with me and kept me talking and thinking about other things. Plus she brought chocolate! I don't know if she will ever know how much that meant to me. It meant everything just to think about normal stuff. Plus my rocking mother in law came along. She kept Shannon distracted. Not that he seemed remotely phased. Only his wife was coming unglued. I had requested sedation, but everyone thought I was being funny.
When we went in my friend came with me. The bio family has a few other children outside of Cary. When bio mom and dad came into court I found myself looking at them. They were both in handcuffs. Bio Mom was petite and had traces of prettiness that jail was working hard to take away. She turned and mouthed "I love you and it's O.K. " to a woman who sat weeping behind me. I am sure it was her mom. Bio dad was tall and slender. I could see where Cary got a lot of her looks from. She has his hair, his face, and eyes.
The first part of was sad. Their first child was set free to be loved by another family. The bio family sat behind me and wept. I felt for them. Then they all cleared out. It was as if Cary did not even exist for them. Fine with me. I was so keyed up by then I was sure I was going to puke on Shannon or my friend. I also wanted to yell at bio mom and dad. Or faint. I was a mess. I thought about shoving some of that chocolate in my mouth, but I am sure that would have been frowned upon.
The judge commended the bio family on signing over their rights. All parties agreed that the minor was doing well and she was in a family that was willing to adopt her with all of her issues. It was going great, the end was coming, and the papers were going to be signed. It was a great feeling. I was also holding it together and not bringing shame upon our area of the court room.
Then bio mom turned around. She looked at me. She looked right at me. I don't know how she knew who I was but she did. She mouthed two word at me. Just two. "Thank you." And she meant it. She willingly gave up her child. She released her child to people she does not know and she knows that she will never see her again. She broke her bond to let Cary have a chance at a good life and a happy home. The breaking of one family for the creation of a new one.
I was able to let go at that point. I mouthed "thank you" back at her and I cried. Hard. I was pretty sure they were ready to check me into a mental home, but I didn't care. Bio parents were cuffed and sent back to jail. We walked out. I left my bad feelings in the court room. There just isn't room inside of me for them any more.
We are now free to move forward. To make plans, have hope, and dream dreams. I am ready. So very ready.
Amy Fields is an adoptive mom with two special needs kids who runs around in a cape and tights all day (just wondering if anyone ever reads the bios besides me :) ). You can view her crazy upside down life on her blog at manykindsoffams.blogspot.com