The truth hurts at times. This last week the truth came and smacked me over the head. Hard. I still have some lumps left on my heart and cuts left in my soul.
It started out with a visit. For a while I had been asking a local organization to come out and meet our family. I had found the organization on line and loved the support that they offered. I really wanted to be part of it and I know some families that are. They rave about it.
It too some time but they came to my home. They met me and Cary Lynn. Then they wanted to ask questions. Sure, no problem. I glibly claimed I had answers.
The first question, "Would you put a trachea tube in your daughter?" What??? Well, I have been asked many questions before, but have rarely been stumped like that one. I had to think. Well, I know many kids in my SN circles that have them and really I already had stuck a tube in the child for nutrients, what's one more? "Sure." I say slowly.
Do you wish in life that sometimes someone would just dangle a giant fish line from the sky with a piece of paper attached to it saying here are the answers to these questions. This was one of those times.
The questions were hard. The consisted of quality or quantity of life and would I resuscitate? I was told there are no "right" answers, but I felt for sure that there must be. There has to be an answer. So I answered. I'm not going to go into what I answered, but I felt that I was making the right choice and holding up my beliefs.
While it is hard to answer these questions it is still harder to pretend that they don't exist. To not talk about them or even think about them. The truth of the matter is that Cary Lynn has multiple special needs and is medically fragile. It is a fact of life like the sky is above us and the ground is below us. It also does not make this organization mean to talk about these things. They are trying to help us by supporting our family with these choices.
It also does not mean that I am pushing Cary Lynn into her grave. Believe me when I say no one loves her like I do and no one wants to keep her here forever and a day like me. But sometimes you have to look at the truth and decide whether you are going to deal with it, ignore it and hope it goes away, or run from it. I am many things, but I'm not a coward. Nor am I going to pretend these things don't exist. They do.
What it does mean is that each moment is a little more special. I cherish time with my kids. I enjoy the little moments and inch stones. I laugh more and love a bit harder. I hold tight to my little miracles. Both of them. I don't spend as much time sweating the small stuff (well at least I try not to). We also don't spend every day dwelling on our mortality around here. That is morbid. And unhealthy. Mostly I spend my days trying to figure out where the magical elf lives who steals the mate to my children's socks and why I can't ever find my keys and favorite coffee mug. We live our lives like you live them. We aren't saints or heroes, just regular people trying to navigate extraordinary circumstances.
In the end I'm glad I had the conversation. I needed to have it. It hurts, but it also heals. I love my daughter. She isn't worried about what tomorrow brings into her life. She is a happy and joyful child. No matter what she always has a smile. She is strong, brave, and in my eyes pretty much perfect. So we will celebrate each day and enjoy each moment. I will leave the future to take care of itself and dwell in the present and in the moment with my little ones.
Those are questions that are asked on an advance medical directive. Everyone should have one, regardless of their current state of health.
ReplyDeleteHello to everyone out here, I am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me … My name is Susan Christian , I live in London, UK. we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do, i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr Emu for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 24 hours my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still live me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he Dr Emu casted on him that make him come back to me today, me and my family are now happy again today. thank you Dr Emu for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact Dr Emu ,if you need his help you can contact him through his private mail: emutemple@gmail.com or you can contact him through his website https://emutemple.wordpress.com/ fb page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple-104891335203341 and you will see that your problem will be solved without any delay.
DeleteHOW MY RELATIONSHIP WAS SAVED BY DR BRAVE!!!
ReplyDeleteMy name is Natalie am from California, i never believe that my ex boyfriend will ever make up with me again just because of the incident that happened on a day that suppose to be his engagement night he called me on phone asking me to came and meet him at royal palm bunch hotel,that same hour on my way going there i meant an old time friend called jack will son,he was my first love during our high school days he put some pressure on me that same night but i tried my possible best to explain every thing to him that i am with some one already but he refuse to understand me and still putting more pressure on me saying that i should hangout with him,we were together all through that night,and my boy friend waited for me all through that night.but i never known all in the name of old time sake i was dealing with the wrong person jack i known before later turn into something else after having sex with me,my boy friend was hot and was very agree with me because he was to propose to me that same night but i never known of that i apologize to him and told him a lie that my father was ill that i was the only one available to talk him to the hospital,he was convince but later few days to our wedding some body from no were came and testify against me that i have been cheating on my boy friend with an evidence of a photo of that same incident that happen between i and jack. my boyfriend was very agree with me and throne me out of his house saying is over between both of us,he discovered that his ex girlfriend who traveled to Canada to visit her uncle was back he later go back to her and i held he was planning to marry her,but due to what happened i still loves him very much and i Bella can not afford to loose him to another,i sick for help in difference places but there was no solution,last i meant my friend jenny we both attend this same high school together so i shale my problems with her and she introduce me a powerful DR called Brave,Dr Brave help me in getting my love one back immoderately without any delay my ex boyfriend later came back to me with much love and our wedding was planned and we finally got wedded and blessed with three lovely kids. I Bella will forever be thankful to Dr Brave for helping me restore my marriage back he can also do the same for you email: bravespellcaster@gmail.com
Firstly I respect your honest. Each blogger should make a promise to himself to be honest while contributing something for readers. Readers always looking for genuine contents. Here I would like to appreciate your positive thoughts your words may pass a good inspiration for the readers.
ReplyDeleteByer Nathan
Website: Top best essay writing service
Great post. I like reading motivational posts. It's my inspiration for moving on. I try to be a perfect writer at essays panda writing service. Hopefully, you also like your job.
ReplyDeleteHello, I would like to thank you for sharing this interesting information. Moreover, the material provided here will be useful for a lot of people. Personally, I will use it in my book review topics task.
ReplyDeleteYour article is well written and simple to understand. You make excellent points. Thanks you sharing great blog...
ReplyDelete