Saturday, January 18, 2014

It Will be Fine


"Write a post about how whenever you're worried about something, people say really annoying things like, 'It will be fine,'" my friend implored me months ago, when her oldest child was going off to college, and she was having a lot of anxiety about it. I've been thinking about it ever since, but haven't had the right words, the right frame-of-mind, the right space to ponder why that's such a universal response and yet so universally not-reassuring, but actually the opposite.

Brene Brown says that the difference between empathy and sympathy, is empathy never starts a sentence with, "At least..." I think that's the problem with "It will be fine," it lacks empathy. It's a pat answer, and dismisses all the layers and layers of any emotional response or anxiety.

hate when I'm all fired up about something and my husband says something inflammatory like, "Just don't worry about it." While its true that my worrying might not be productive, there is no "just" not doing it.

That is not to say that we don't have ultimate control over our responses, and we always can choose an alternative response or emotion, but that takes a lot of practice and hard work. I don't know about you, but when you're in the eye of the storm, it's very, very difficult to do additional practice and hard work. It's only after you've come through the storm, or at least the worst part, and made a fragile peace with the storm, that you can roll up your sleeves and get to work, in preparation for the next storm that life throws your way.

The other problem with "It will be fine" is we think "fine" means things will work out just the way we hope and pray they will. If they don't, we don't think things are "fine," they are, in fact, anything but fine. Again, it is usually only in hindsight that we have any kind of perspective on the "fineness" of how things "worked out," and that may take more than one lifetime to be revealed.

I am writing this on my own son's half birthday. In exactly six months he will be 18. While he and we are "fine" now, there is great anxiety about what will happen in his future. Where will he live? Where will he work? Will he be safe? What happens when we die? Will he ever have the family of his own that he talks about constantly? Will it all be "fine?" And what must we do to pre-pave and make it so? It's much easier to believe in "fine" when you're working your ass off to make it so.

The only thing to do is support each other as we trudge through, waiting for "fine." We must offer our help, our shoulders, our listening ears, as we hold space with one another through the un-fine parts. We must be empathetic without being sympathetic, never minimizing another's situation and struggle, but walking along side them through the deep end, until they can climb out and be "fine."




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Carrie is a parent and advocate of a child with special needs and even more special gifts. She blogs at http://carrielink.blogspot.com/ where this is pretty much her favorite topic. Carrie’s book, WIL OF GOD: Embracing the Relentless Love of a Special Child, is available in print on Amazon and all e-readers.

7 comments:

  1. You have hit the nail on the head. I believe that responses like "it'll be fine" or "stop worrying" speak volumes about the person uttering them. I believe that these answers come out as a pat response because that person is unwilling or unable to sit with the difficulty and pain someone else might be feeling right now. It is in our own best interest to surround ourselves with people who will sit right down with us and acknowledge and validate what we are feeling without running scared or paving it over with rose petals. Love!

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  2. Ditto. Thank you for this post. I have learned to ignore those who don't walk this journey with my husband and I when it comes to their predictions of the outcome of our trials. Even then, I still know God has the final say and He is big enough to handle my worry.

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  3. I so hear this. It makes such a difference to have someone respond in a way that makes you feel like you have every right to be feeling that pain/worry/whatever. And I think that being allowed to accept the feelings and worries may be the only way to really deal with them.

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  4. I contacted Dr Emu for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 24 hours my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still live me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he Dr Emu casted on him that make him come back to me today, me and my family are now happy again today. thank you Dr Emu for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact Dr Emu ,if you need his help you can contact him through his private mail: emutemple@gmail.com or you can contact him through his website https://emutemple.wordpress.com/ fb page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple-104891335203341 and you will see that your problem will be solved without any delay.

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