Loving mother, Therapist mother

 Our local Autism Society asked me to do a introduction on Floortime last week

 In order to give a good overview, I have dusted out all my Floortime books, my notes from conference  and trainings and have gone through old transcripts of Dr Greenspan’s  Radio shows and DVD’s

 I am just astounded by all the amazing powerful stuff I know

 Somehow I am also sad

 I try to analyze why this is so 

And finally figure it out last night while doing  R’s bed time routine 

Somehow all this research – in fact  revision of all the things I know, the brainstorming with mums of auties in the support group where I am giving advice that too good advice -

All of this has drawn the sharp contrast, really the huge gap.

 Between the mother I want to be and the mother I am

 How can I have  all this knowledge  but not apply it every minute I am with R ?

 What gets in my way?

 I know it’s mostly inertia

A lack of forethought 

"I wish I was a better mother" ...I whisper sadly into R's sweet hair that smells of  baby bumblebee shampoo 

A stray tear rolls down my cheek onto R's hair and trickles down to his scalp

 He stirs and turns  to put his arms tightly around my neck

 The peace and sweetness of this child comes over me

 I think of all the places in the world - R's favorite place might be - the C of my body

 I think of all the times he has lain there - once so tiny

 Of colicky times, ear infection times, cant-go-to-sleep times , dont-know-why-I-am-crying times

 It occurs to me that the one thing I am good as a mother  is in loving 

I may not  go to top of class as therapist mom - but I do know that R feels beloved  always 

Never a burden , always a gift

 Never less, only unique

 In R’s eyes ,  quite possibly, I am a dream of perfection

 Just like he is my eyes

 And though I want so much  to be more, who I am -seems pretty good too

K blogs about her life as the mother of a charming 5 year old at Floortime Lite Mama

Comments

[Alysia]

oh my - I am crying. You are an amazing mom and from what I've read here and on your blog your son could never feel anything BUT loved all the time. We all have so much knowledge - so many things we think we can and should do - but we just can't do it all. We're human. But the most human thing we can do is love our kids unconditionally. And you definitely do. Just a beautiful post.

[Big Daddy]

It seems to me, from reading your blog and your comments at mine, that you are indeed a loving and compassionate mother. This was a beautiful post.

[Lisa in Elijahland]

This is so beautifully written. :)

[Valerie]

I read this, while my just slightly older autie happened to be curled up in our own little C.

And your words caused us both to share an extra long hug.

You truly sound like the best kind of mother to me.

:)

[Lisa]

Beautiful K.

[Mary Hill]

Such a beautiful post. It's so hard to be both the mom and the therapist and it's unfortunate that we are expected to. I struggle with that balance but it sounds to me like you are doing a fabulous job.