hopes and dreams
diary of a mom | Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 5:17PM
"Hopes and Dreams," it said on top of the page. Brooke's first grade teacher had sent it home for us to fill it out before meeting with her.
What are your hopes and dreams for your child's academic learning this year?
The question should have been innocent enough, but the blank page taunted me. Come on, Jess. What are your hopes for your daughter? Whatcha got, kid? What are your dreams? Write us a story. Make it good.
I chose my words with care. The dam was threatening to burst. I chose the following:
"To keep pace with her peers and to acquire all of the tools that she will need to succeed in second grade and beyond."
Sounded reasonable, I thought. It wasn't even half the story.
Please, God, PLEASE let all of the supports that we have in place for her make this possible. Because honestly, right now, right in this moment, I can't imagine how this can be possible.
She had brought home her first-ever homework assignment that afternoon. It was an outline of an umbrella to be colored in according to a key determined by some very simple math. 2+2 =? As we'd worked on it together after dinner - slowly, painfully - I'd thought, "There's just no way."
I was sick to my stomach. My kid deserves better. She has the fundamental right to a mother who believes that this is possible. That anything is possible. We can do this, damn it. We WILL do this. There was no mention of doubt in the question. The question was about HOPE.
Yes, 'to keep pace with her peers and to acquire all of the tools that she will need to succeed in second grade and beyond'.
Yes.
What are your hopes and dreams for your child's social development this year?
I hung on by a thread. Slowly, I crafted what I thought was an acceptable answer. What does anyone want for their child?
"To make friends and to be a part of a community that appreciates her for who she is."
The answer was the tip of one hell of an iceberg. There was a hanging 'and ...'
... who see past her flat footed attempts to engage them.
... who see the gift that this child is.
That she is HAPPY. God, please, just let her be HAPPY.
That she strikes a comfortable balance - that she somehow finds the ever elusive middle ground between amassing and using the tools that will allow her to interact successfully with the world around her and embracing and celebrating who she is at her core.
That she avoids hurt and ridicule until she's ready to make the decision for herself that maybe it's o.k. once in a while - until a day that she may choose not to give a damn what people think. At least sometimes.
But not yet. Please not while she can't understand it. Not while her world consists of only three indentifiable emotions - happy, sad and scared.
No, not yet.
What are some other things that you would like me to know about your child?
Ha! How much time do you have?
"She is sweet and loving and far brighter than she may first appear given her difficulty with language. She loves people and desperately, if not somewhat awkwardly seeks attention and interaction."
That she defies categorization.
That she can't possibly be lassoed with words on a page.
That she has exploded through any and all perceived limitations since the day that she was born.
That she will touch you.
That she will crawl inside your soul and you will never be the same.
That in her six and a half years on this planet, she has already taught me far more than I will ever teach her.
That she outshines the brightest stars in the heavens.
That her laughter heals my soul.
That I love her with every fiber of my being.
That my heart is in my mouth every time that she walks out into the world and out of my reach.
That there's not a single damned thing on this earth that I would not do for her.
That I implore you to look out for my girl.
You've got my heart there, lady. Please protect her.
In the meantime, I'll be here.
Hanging on to hope.
Jess can be found at Diary of a Mom
Reader Comments (26)
that she can be as funny as all get out.
that her different path is preferable to the normal path. she makes that path beautiful.
that her mom is a poet.
that her mom improves the lives of a lot of people by sharing kendall's story.
http://www.hiddenrecovery.com/-great info.
Here's what's really sad. Parents hopes and dreams should be for recovery for their higher functioning children but the only way that happens is through the work of highly qualified BCBA's who have extensive experience in theory of mind and executive functioning as well as all the other obvious domains. That does not exist in Massachusetts, trust me. There are VERY few people in this industry who understand the complexity of how to recover a child and most of them are in CT, NY, NJ and California. Mass. does nothing but give kids watered down babysitting. Consults from BCBA's monthly paired with some aides/"therapists" in a setting that is far beyond the child is such a waste of these children's live. I really wish parents would understand what they should be fighting for for their kids. They think they know but sadly they do not. Not an insult, just a fact that goes on in so many cases.
If this teacher has already started out by framing things in hopes and dreams, I think she'll get it. Seriously, you should send her this whole post. xo
I've always had such a hard time filling these things out - for both of my kids. But you do it so eloquently! If I were a teacher receiving this, I would be so moved.
Thank you, Jess, for an amazingly insightful post. I hope you send this to your child's teacher!
Lovely, just lovely.
Lori: interesting that you would dismiss the efforts of so many parents who are working so hard to better the lives of their kids. You're wanting to dictate how exactly they should be parents...anyone who doesn't religiously follow your advice, they're a bad parent. "Not an insult". Please. It's worse than an insult and you know it. You say, "what they should be fighting for is their kids"...which is a truly awful thing to say, as if the parents you reference are failing to devote theimselves to their little ones. That's extremely petty of you.
If you disagree with an approach, say why. But don't belittle an approach just because it's not the one you would choose.
And by the way: it's worth pointing out that you pop up on Jess' posts every so often. You never have the same criticism...it's one thing, then another (you even criticized her preference in quilts!) It's hard to take your points seriously when you'll have shifted to something else entirely within a few weeks.
Lori: this is hopeful parents. Say something hopeful. Please?
You certainly do ramble M, about what have no idea. However, I do believe in recovery in many children. Why you think that is offensive is beyond me. Are you autistic by the way?
Lori: "I do believe in recovery...why you think that is offensive..."
When did I say that recovery was a bad idea? What I think is that many parents are doing a great deal to improve the lives of their children. Because they love them and want to fight for them with every ounce of their being. Different parents, though, will choose different paths. There's nothing wrong with that. Unlike you, I would never demonize someone for choosing to utilize one approach over another.
In other words, I would never call therapists who use a different approach "watered down babysitters". That was really awful of you to say. Especially on a site devoted to hopeful parents. I would never suggest that parents who use a different approach are failing to fight for their kids...which you said, unfortunately.
I don't think your belief in recovery is offensive. What you choose is your business. I find your attack on others to be offensive. And I find the fact that you target Jess to be interesting.
"You certainly do ramble, M".
Oh Lori...grab some popcorn. I can go all day.
Lori: "Are you autistic by the way?"
Meh, I paint and draw from time to time, but I wouldn't call myself artistic.
It's more of a hobby really.
Lori,
Of course there's nothing offensive about believing in and fighting for recovery. OF COURSE.
however,
'That does not exist in Massachusetts, trust me'
is incredibly offensive to the many, many highly qualified, talented and dedicated people who have worked and who continue to work with my daughter and other children on the autism spectrum throughout the state.
"Consults with a monthly BCBA'
makes an erroneous assumption that there is some kind of uniform delivery of services for kids across the state.
'is such a waste of these children's live(s)'
i believe that none of us can claim to determine what constitutes a waste of a life or to begin to know what is best for any child other than our own.
we all have a great deal to learn from one another. i am convinced that there is no greater wealth of knowledge out there than from our community itself. if we approach this with mutual respect, i'm pretty sure there's nothing we can't do for these incredible kids.
Jess
Thanks for saying it so beautifully for all of us, Jess.
And it's so true about Brooke crawling into your soul. She's certainly made a little place in my heart.
You have such a gift with words.
I think that if I were the teacher, I'd want to see the rest of the fully-realized answer too....
Yes, as rhema'shope said...Brooke...you..Katie and your entire family have crawled right into my heart. Your husband, mom, and dad who support you by reading and commenting on your blog. You and your entire family cause me to hope...not just about autism, but about there being good and kind people in the world. Thanks for that.
May all the hope and kindness you give to others be returned to you a hundred times over.
Lori - it's called Hopeful Parents, not Hopeless Parents...feel free to start your own blog for the public to read...
Jess,
Please send this to the teacher who obviously cares so very much about the students she teaches. You've once again stated this all so eloquently and so very poignantly. It would be such a shame for her to miss out on reading this and to be able to more fully understand your many hopes and dreams for Brooke.
Love,
Mom
I bet you don't know it, but your words are stolen right from my brain. The hardest part of this current journey for me has been the sense that going forward, in the future, Noel's Asperger's will thread it's way into everything, and I cannot even start to contemplate it's ripples.
Just wanted to reiterate what your mom said. You really should send a link to this post to Brooke's teacher. Your words are so beautifully expressed I'm sure she would only appreciate reading them.
Lori - the only thing worse than ignorance is someone who thinks they know it all. Please spare us your "expertise" if you are unable to convey your message with anything but contempt and arogance. Puhleez!
Jess,
Thank you for speaking for me and my hopes and dreams for my child.
I can TOTALLY relate.
Different strokes for different folks...and honestly? Do we really have time to quibble about all this? I don't. I'm busy raising my kids.
So true, this really resonates with me -- how to capture so much on paper? I echo what others have said: think about sending this post directly to the teacher, I think it could only be appreciated, she obviously wants your insights. Miss you over at your place, but glad to see you here too!
all,
i did indeed send it to brooke's entire team, based on your suggestions to do so. i've already gotten a couple of very warm responses to it and even a request to share it with colleagues.
i am so grateful that y'all nudged me to send it on. i never would have thought to do so otherwise!
and kal - i'll be back soon, i promise!
:)
"That she will crawl inside your soul and you will never be the same."
That she will Jess. That she will. Lucky teacher to have Brooke in her class.
Jess,
So perfect .. May steal from this. Is it stealing if I tell you I'm doing it?
Lorri,
You need to go away... Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just run along...
F you Autismville. People can speak their opinions here. Go attend to your own severe child.
Oh my. This is the perfect opportunity to ask that Judith take her own advice of.....
You need to go away... Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just run along...
A group of parents have been wishing you would do this for a long time now. Take you and your media whore ways and go away!