Torn
Michelle O'Neil | Saturday, August 29, 2009 at 6:54AM 
My six year old son Seth learned to ride a bike today. He could have done it sooner. We held him back because our nine year old daughter Riley who has Asperger’s, can’t do it yet, and honestly, we didn’t have the strength to take the fallout.
She started noticing the difference in their motor abilities a couple of years ago. They were running across an empty soccer field and came to a hill. He bolted down. She stepped tentatively, sideways, slowly, slower, and looked off into the distance at him in despair,
“How can he be so sturdy?” she asked.
So many of the ordinary things Seth does seem like miracles to us.
As a baby, my husband Todd and I would do the happy dance chanting , “He sleeps in the car! He sleeps in the car!”
His first day of school, he just walked…right…in!
At the playground, he climbs up the ladder and goes down the slide, like... it’s... nothing!
Riley has issues with balance and depth perception. Combine it with severe anxiety and there you have it. Learning to bike ride = terror. She wants so much to be like all the other kids her age. She's so embarrassed she can't yet ride and is very hard on herself.
“I’m such a baby!” she cries.
We try to remind her of all the things she is good at, but she can't hear it.
But we'd waited long enough. Seth was ready. So while Riley was at day camp for a week, we got him on the bike. It took just a couple of days for him to learn. Maybe four hours total. Todd and I ran along beside him, hooting and hollering, "He did it! He did it! Seth! We are so proud of you!!!” The glee on our boy's face was pure heaven. I jumped up and down, filled with joy.
But in the back of my mind she was there. Heartbroken.
I’ll take a firm stance. I’ll tell her some things are just more difficult for her. I’ll tell her there is nothing she can’t do, she just has to work a little harder. I’ll tell her she isn’t allowed to complain about it unless she gets on her bike and tries.
She’ll say it’s not fair. I’ll say she didn’t come here to be like everybody else. I’ll tell her I would not trade who she is for anything in the world. I’ll tell her bike riding ability is not a thing to judge a person by. I’ll tell her I love her, whether she can ride a bike or not. Whether she can hear it or not.
I’ll keep telling her.
And one day when he reads this, I'll tell Seth I'm sorry. Afterall, he rode his bike today, for the very first time, and here I am, writing about her.
Michelle O'Neil has contributed to A Cup of Comfort for Parents of Children with Autism, and Special Gifts: Women Writers on the Heartache, the Happiness and the Hope of Raising a Special Needs Child. She has written for Literary Mama, The Imperfect Parent, and Cool Cleveland. She has a nine year old daughter with Asperger's and a six year old son with auto-immune issues. She blogs about autism, family, spirituality and random things like preferred e-mail sign offs, running off skunks, and kissing at Full-Soul-Ahead!
Reader Comments (11)
oh, honey.
ya do what you gotta do.
and for the record, we don't have bike riding either. ice skating, roller blading, swimming. no bike.
in the grand scheme of things? meh.
give seth a squeeze for me. he did it!
he did it! yay for seth! and yay for you. it's not taking anything away from him that you write here about riley, about your love, concern, and protective feelings for her. who know when the bike riding will come for her. but we DO know that the love, understanding and guidance you have for her is always always here.
Oh I've been there I was Riley ten years ago in fact I still can't ride a bike. I'll probally never ride a two wheeler I don't know if it'd help but if you think it would you could tell her that there is a nineteen year old girl with aspergers who can't ride a bike it might make her feel better to find out that someone older then her can't do it.
Michelle, I can only imagine how hard it is to have an exceptional child that is the oldest in the family. We are blessed in that Chloe is the youngest and her siblings grew up separately from her as there is a 14 and 15 year gap between Chloe and her siblings.
I applaud you for all you do for both your kids. You and Todd are fantastic parents!
It was time for Seth to learn to ride and he did it....Yayyyy!!!! Because of all the simularities I see in Chloe and Riley, I know it will be hard for Riley. I also know that with your support and encouragement she will accept that Seth has different abilities. I really like how you are planning to deal with the "fall out". It sounds like an excellent plan. As Chloe mentioned in her post, she has never learned to ride a bike. Around the age of 8 she decided it was just too hard. Chloe felt embarrassed that she couldn't do it. Chloe never learned to catch a ball until she was 11 or 12.
In the grand scheme of things, riding bikes and catching balls are just that...they are not the most important thing. The important things, in my opinion, are applauding her successes, and you do that so well.
Chloe's mom, Mary
http://www.adaptivemall.com/skbabi1.html
Michelle, Our boy has the same difficulty, we bought him an adult tricycle which he was very happy with for a short time. Now he realizes that this is odd for a 16 year old to ride. I was researching special needs bikes and came across the link
Look at the link, the bike is too small but the IDEA is fab.
I am looking now for a used bike that is just little to small for him and we are going to take the pedals off. For us it will have to be a girls bike because of that middle bar. I have hopes that he will get a sense of balance and security by just using his feet on the ground! And maybe we can put the pedals back on soon. It just might work!!!
~Believe~
back to say that K Fuller's idea of taking the pedals off a bike for her son was exactly what we did for fluffy. we lowered the seat and took the pedals off so he could sit easily with his rump on the seat and his feet on the ground and VERY slowly, get used to balancing little by little: push, balance, steer. and little by little, he got it.
xx
Oh honey, no apologies for loving your kids. None.
Yeah Seth! You go, kiddo!
Yay, Seth! And Riley can get there someday. Aidan has always had gross motor and vestibular issues, and he just learned to ride a bike 5 months ago, at age twelve and a half. For years I told him the same thing - that it was totally okay that he couldn't ride a bike. I think that right around the time he accepted that, he was ready.
very moved by your story
Oh, how I get that.
love.
You continue to amaze me Michelle. Make no apologies to your children - they are BLESSED to be loved so much. Great piece!