Punishment vs Consequences

These are my opinions people, so please don't leave me any hate mail. Thanks in advance.

IMHO I don't think punishment works for RAD kids. I think it makes them shut down, dissociate and locks them into the fight or flight part of their brain. This is why typically star charts and other behavior mods don't work. When they have shut down everything seems like Mt. Everest to them. They can't manage it in their brain. It's unattainable even if it's a 5 minute task. My job as a RAD parent is to help them shake that off. RAD kids have already been punished enough for a lifetime. Why would I want to continue that kind of treatment?! Why would that make them want to bond with me? I don't think so. Before J came home I heard the Parenting with Pizzazz CD (couldn't find the CD anymore but the book is still in print) by Deborah Hage. One of the things she said was, "who wants to bond with a b*tch?" Nobody.

I've tried many, many, many different things but the things that I think that work the best for us are the short and sweet consequences. Why does a consequence have to be bad? Short means that the consequence should take less than a minute and the sweet part is a Skittle or such deposited from my hand to their mouth. "Good job with that consequence honey" and a hug follows. Then I ask them what happened. They 'fess up and I'll give them another hug and congratulate them on telling the truth.  Very brief discussion on what just happened and what should've happened.  Usually ends with a little dance spin and I send them off to their next adventure.

When there will be a natural consequence I just allow that to happen and let them learn from the experience.

Some of our consequences are:

1. Spin in a circle 3 times (I usually let them take my finger and spin them like we're dancing.)
2. Take your shoe laces out of your shoes and put them back in.
3. Run to the 1st drive way (we live in a low travel street in a subdivision so I send them to the neighbor's drive way. Its' about 50 ft away.)
4. Give Mom a hand rub.
5. Massage Mom's shoulders
6. 5, 10 or 15 jumping jacks (depending on age and ability)
7. Run jump on the mini-tramp for a minute. (Bouncing really helps change up brain function.)
8. Go swing (again, swinging really good for the brain)
9. Stand or sit in your think spot for a minute with their arms in the hooked-up position (brain gym).
10. Time-In's (sit beside me)
11. Hug Mom
12. Go find Mom a pretty leaf.
13. Go jump rope.
14. Follow Mom around (keeping them close to me)
15. Walk in a figure 8 pattern (brain gym)
16. Do the cross crawl. (left elbow to right knee and then right elbow to left knee in a marching pattern. (brain gym)
17. Tapping
18. Skip to the 1st drive way.
19. Hop 10 times then walk 10 steps to the first drive way.
20. Sit in Mom's lap.
21. Pull on your ears. (You start at the top of the ear and pull gently straight out all the way down to the ear lobe. brain gym)
22. Have a tea party.
24. Play doh time (moon sand, silly putty, whatever, just something they can knead)
25. Go color me a picture (can be very revealing of their feelings)
26. Blow up your imaginary black balloon with all the yucky feelings. Let it go and send all the negative energy away.
27. Put on your pink suit. (J & Sk's love is pink so they have an imaginary pink suit that they can put on from their toes up to their head. I "zip" it up to hold all the good stuff inside.)
28. You look like you need some pink love. (I "pour" my love into their forehead with my forehead touching theirs while I make silly sound effects of all the love going inside. I seal it up with a kiss and hold my finger on that kissed spot while they hug me, close their eyes and let all the pink love seep into their body.)

29. Hit your angry pillow.

Well, you get the idea. I used to have a consequence jar and and they could go pick their consequence. I still do it occasionally but I'm more practiced now so I usually just throw it out there. Copy, paste and use them if you like. Add some that are practical for your family or do some of the special things that are unique to your family. Don't forget the crazy nonsense things you can add too.

The major point is that I have tried punishment and it didn't work for us. I'm ashamed to say that I have even swatted J's behind (after adoption). IT DIDN'T WORK. It only feeds the anger and self-loathing. If it is a serious offense I still do one of the above listed consequences and later after their brain is switched up from the fight or flight I'll whisper in their ear that they'll probably owe me something later to make it up to me. Then I assign the owed chore when they are in a happy mood. This means they will (usually) do it fast and snappy and not be stuck because they're brain is working right.

Then of course, there are the days that NOTHING works. Those days I just hold out for tomorrow. There are also the days that I am the queen b*tch. I hate those days. They just suck.

I don't have all the answers. I know it sounds insane.  Crazy does work sometimes. I just keep doing trial and error stuff until I find what works. What works today might not work tomorrow. If something isn't working give this a try. Just for a day. Not a lifetime commitment. You've got nothing to lose. All I do know is that these consequences work for us and I feel like a much nicer parent. Everyone wins.

I also blog at: http://lisajordanpuddin.blogspot.com/

BTW, for those of you that have been reading along about my journey with Special K, I am happy to report that she is now home.

Comments

[Bennie]

Wow! What an extensive list! You have really spent a great deal of time thinking on this which is really impressive. I also think you are right on about your thoughts on punishment and reward. I spanked my typical daughter once several years ago and I will always regret it. She has always responded much better to correction in a positive manner. I think same principle applies to all kids, in particular emotionally challenged kids. Thanks also for the great ideas!

[cms8741]

I've become a behavior therapist by default, it seems. And after having tried absolutely everything, what seems to work best for my son is consistency. It's a mix of 1-2-3 Magic and what we were taught the two times he was in the psych ward.

I target the behaviors I'd like to see extinguished (impulsiveness, aggression, etc.) and basically use the carrot and stick approach. So if I've asked him to go upstairs to get ready for bed, and instead he's running around the living room, I'll say, "That's one for not following directions. If I get to three, no TV before bedtime." I always follow through with the consequence. At this point, he changes his tune at one.

For the behaviors that are unsafe, the consequences are always the same -- a time out which doesn't begin until he has completely calmed down.

That was probably the BEST thing I learned at the hospital. I don't start counting the time out until he is completely calm. If he throws something or tries to take a swipe at me (which he hasn't done for months now), I repeat the mantra, "Time out doesn't start until you can be safe and calm." After I finish counting the time out (anywhere from 30 counts to 120), I ask him what he did wrong that got him in a time out. And then I ask him to think about what he could have done differently to avoid it.

Honestly, of everything I've tried, this system works the best for him and for our family. My son doesn't have RAD, but prior to his last hospitalization where we learned these techniques, there was discussion about residential placement because his behaviors were so out of bounds and unsafe.

It takes a lot of work on the part of the parent and the child, but the results have been awesome for us. I was just thinking earlier today that sometimes we feel like a "normal" family now. KNOCK ON WOOD!!!! ;)

[mama edge]

I think your list is the sweetest thing I've read in a long time. I'm printing it out and posting it on the fridge right now. And I'm really glad that you noted that "there are the days that NOTHING works." Makes me feel less alone when I've had one of those days!