Does Everything Happen for a Reason?
Anonymous | Thursday, June 18, 2009 at 9:23PM I love it -- and when I say "love," I mean in the ironic way -- when a coincidence occurs and the explanation that follows is: "See? Everything happens for a reason." Really? ...Really?
What a crock. Everything does not happen for a reason. Innocent kids do not get tagged with life-threatening diseases and chronic illnesses for a reason. We're not plucked from the millions of parents in the world to raise these kids for a reason. There is no grand scheme here. Just so we're all clear.
It's random. It happens. It happened to our kids. It happens to us. We play the hand we're dealt.
At least, that's my opinion.
But I won't lie to you. In the darkest corners of my mind, in those crevices that creep up right before falling asleep, I used to blame myself.
We were raised in a Catholic family. You know those Catholics -- they love to lay on the guilt, and sex before marriage is a big No-No. Let's put it this way, my wedding dress should not have been even close to white. For a long time I blamed my infertility issues and the fact that my child has special needs on committing that sin.
And it's not just that I sinned by having sex before marriage. It's also that after I had sex the first time, feeling very guilty that it was exactly the wrong thing to do, I promised God that I would never do it again. Didn't take long for me to reneg on that deal. More than once. With more than one person.
It all stopped when I met my husband. The marriage vow is one I'm not messing with, by the way. It wasn't imposed on me. It was a vow I took upon freely with my own will.
But for all this time -- years and years and years -- I have blamed myself deeply for what "I've done" to my child.
The thing is, I consider myself a pretty level-headed, educated, well-rounded, cultured, compassionate human being. In the world I create for others, having sex before marriage would never calculate out to infertility and after that, having a child with special needs. If one of my friends ever brought up that notion to me, I'd laugh. Hard.
But blame is part of the game we're in, isn't it? How many times have you asked yourself, "why," and circled nearly immediately to some decision you made, some act you performed, something you chose to ignore, a path you opted not to follow? How many times have you done that? Hundreds? Thousands?
Other parents I've talked with blame themselves, too. "He's got to get it from someone," was a line I heard just the other day. Or, this very sad sentiment, "We're not going to have another kid because chances are that child will have (life threatening or chronic condition) , too."
Okay. So maybe genes are the culprit in some cases. But did you get to choose your genes? Did you get to choose how your combination of genes matched up with your partner's combination of genes? You can't blame yourself for your genes -- you can't even blame your parents or your parents' parents. They didn't pick their DNA, either!
Since I already went down the religion path, I'll keep going here. A spiritual teacher told me the better question to ask is what can I do about it? "You'll never get to why," he said. "The answer will never be clear. Focus, instead, on the quality of the choices you make with the situation you've been given."
I guess.
His answer kind of jumped the shark. It didn't address the issue, and frankly, I didn't like it. So I made up my own answer: there is no reason why. It's not destiny or fate or religion or the universe or anything. It's random.
For me, that's the only plausible explanation. Definitely not even close to as sexy as the blame-game I was playing with myself. But something easier and more logical to swallow.
It's taken me a long time, but I have stopped blaming myself. If you're blaming yourself, I challenge you to stop, too. It's not your fault.
Reader Comments (7)
Yes. I believe in the randomness of fate as well.
Nicely said!
"Everything happens for a reason" is right up there for me with "God gives special children to special people." Mostly we hear these statements from people who don't have children with special needs and are at a bit of a loss about what to say. Good post.
~Jess
Interesting post. I do believe that many things happen for a reason. That doesn't mean that I believe that I had anything to do with my son's special needs. It was out of my control. I think these can be mutually exclusive.
However, I get tired of hearing it. Most people are well meaning, but after a while, hearing the same thing again and again can get old quickly.
I too subscribe to the "randomness of life" theory. If I believed for a second that my boys had neurological problems intentionally assigned to them for some "reason", I'd be the first in line to give the deities an atomic wedgie.
But while I don't think things happen for a reason, I DO believe that everything that happens -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- can become an opportunity to learn and grow and become stronger and even happier. In other words, I find the reason rather than letting it crush me. I think they call that hope.
As for guilt about my sons' autism/epilepsy/MR/etc., yeah, I've been there, done that. I dropped the self-flagellationt when I realized that I am not a deity myself and don't have that kind of power over anything.
Amen.
I hate the "everything happens for a reason" or "God never gives us more than we can handle" platitudes, especially from people who don't have a clue about this stuff, but I think at some point we all can find some sort of answer or non-answer that helps us a little.
KayTar has changed me in a million ways, most of which needed to be changed. She's made me a different person, a better person...and for me, that is the answer that helps.
I do think every single thing happens for a reason. But the reason is not prescribed ahead of time by someone or something outside of the happenee. It is determined by the happenee, afterwards. And it can change with the wind, too. Some call it "finding meaning" I guess. It hasn't the slightest thing to do with guilt or blame, though.
When sh*t happens, I look for 2 tiers of reason - what did I have in me that was powerful enough to make the situation better (little credit for #1) and what did I lack, what was my growth opportunity. Yep, it's a trick I play on myself, but it keeps me open, content, ready and gives swift peace after unrest. Fair amount of unrest makes me hoard peace.
But that just ain't what well-meaning, but totally off-base people are thinking when they say "everything happens for a reason." What they generally mean is "Bummer for you. Glad it's not me." And we don't really need to hear that, do we?
I just wanted to say thank you. When my dear Aspie boy was 9, 5 years ago and long before we had an accurate diagnosis, my mom speculated out loud as to the cause of his problems. She specifically wondered if the lifestyle I was living when I got pregnant caused his problems. I quit smoking pot and drinking the day I found out I was pregnant, but that was at least 4 weeks in. I'd never considered the possibility before that I had directly caused his "problems", but not a day has gone by since that I haven't thought about it. This is despite the fact that I have a niece with PDD-NOS and KNOW that her mother did nothing to cause it. I have a feeling that letting go of this guilt is one of the hardest and most important things that I will ever do.