Yesterday while my partner and I were purging some of our huge book collection and he pulled out an old university textbook, a book I have not thought about for a long time but seeing it got me thinking about the intersection of the book topic with my life today.

In my 4^th year of University I took Social and Political Ethics, it was not really a class that I wanted to take, the content did not really interest me but I needed another Ethics class and it fit into my very complicated schedule. The most memorable moment that semester was that the first class was on 9/11, we stayed 10 minutes, got the syllabus and headed out to go back to the TV’s to which we were all glued for the rest of the day.  The semester went on, I learned things I didn’t know anything about and I began to questions many of the intersections between social policy and political ethics. I began to learn that things were not always as straight forward as they seemed and that at 23 I still had a lot to learn about how the world worked.

So what does this have to do with parenting, why am I rambling on about a class in university that I didn’t really like?  Where is the intersection with parenting? I mean besides the fact that I still have a lot to learn about being a parent and it is not always all that I thought it would be.

Someone needs to write a thesis on the social and political ethics of being a parent of a special needs child, a child who may not understand the consequences of their choices. I constantly find myself stuck between a rock and hard place when talking to others about my kids and the choices they make.

 There are so many fine lines between being an advocate and being overprotective, between helping out and helping up, sometimes I feel as though I have no idea which side of the line I should be on. I try my best but there is so much to learn and what I think is right or appropriate is forbidden in someone else’s eyes.  I do not think that I am the only one who struggles with this but yet it is not something that we talk about.

Fudge recently got in trouble for stealing, someone brought a Nintendo DS to school and was playing it at recess. Fudge asked for a turn and don’t get one.  Fudge decided to take matters into his own hands and took the DS so that he could have a turn. He got caught and busted for stealing. His teacher berated him for stealing at school,  as did we when he got home because we were sure that was what had happened.  I mean he told us the truth and it was obvious that he had intent and followed through on what he wanted, if only it was that easy.

I later heard from his therapist, who witnessed the event that indeed that was not the case. Fudge took the DS but it wasn’t really stealing, not in his eyes. In his eyes the other child was being unfair, he wanted a turn and so he took one, end of story. He did not believe that he was wrong, instead that the other child was wrong for not sharing. I think that if he had not been caught he would have returned the DS after he had a turn, his goal was not to keep it just to have a turn.

My friends with neurotypical kids thought that Fudge got off easy, that his consequence ( no Halloween candy but he did enjoy the chips and wrote and apology letter)  was not extreme enough to prevent him from doing it again. Where as other friends thought that we were too harsh and that we should have been more forgiving given that he is not neurotypical.

 It is an ethical dilemma that has all sorts of implications for Fudge but at the center of all the implications is a little boy who really just thought that someone was being unfair.  As his Mom I now struggle with how to help him through this one, how to guide along the fine line of what is right and wrong, through the gray areas that I am only beginning to understand myself. Yes stealing is wrong but borrowing is different, you need to ask, you need to listen, yes sometimes other kids don’t share... The list goes on and at the end of the day I struggle with how to help him and how to navigate the fine line that I find myself walking as well.

I am hopeful that I can learn to walk this line with some grace and accuracy, wish me luck.

J can also be found at Stellar Parenting, where she talks about her imperfections and life with 2 boys.