Where I cry
Ellen | Wednesday, November 25, 2009 at 4:30AM 
It's Saturday morning, and my husband is out with the kids. I have a rare couple of hours to myself, and I decide to take a nice, long shower. It's not the eco-correct thing to do, but I average maybe a couple of year, so I grant myself this little luxury.
I line up my shaver, the lemon body scrub, a loofah, a facial scrub, shower gel and pumice stone on the ledge of the stall. I turn the water on—warm, not hot—and switch the head to "pulsating." I step in, close the shower curtain, let the water stream down my hair.
Then I start thinking about that morning.
That morning, seven years ago, when I called the hospital to say I thought I was having contractions. It was about 5:45 a.m. The doctor told me to come in. I wasn't feeling all that bad, so I took a shower. A nice, long, warm shower where I vividly recall watching the water roll of off my big belly. I remember thinking, with glee, "Wow! Last shower before I become a mom!"
It was the last shower I took in the house for a couple of weeks. Because Max had a stroke at birth, and ended up in the NICU.
So now I'm standing in my shower, flashing back to that morning, and the tears start pouring down my face, along with all the water. It's a silent cry, not the loud, heaving kind. It doesn't fill me with grief or sadness. It just happens, whenever I have time to really think in the shower.
Photo by JWhite
Reader Comments (7)
My shower and I have shared many a tear. Beautiful, tight post, Ellen.
It never really goes away, does it? I find that the emotions are always just below the surface. Sometimes, I can be in a store and hear something —a small child's voice, a certain song— and the tears just come.
Grief comes in waves. How appropriate that you experience it in the water. Let the healing waters wash over you and out of you through your tears, and then let them go down the drain so you can get on with the business of living life to the fullest for another day.
I knew I'd rounded the bend in grief when my "stop and parks" changed from gut wrenching, snot producing, cough and choke til you almost vomit to healing, brief and comforting tears. Glad you've found your spot that works for you.
I feel exactly the same. I also find that even though I crave some "me time", I dread it too b/c it gives me too much time to think about stuff. So I stay busy as much as possible. good post....
Yes.
Yes. *sigh*