Dear Mother-in-Law,

It’s been about a month since we stopped talking, and for that I’m sorry.  I think this current impasse arose from a misunderstanding, and I’d like to try to clarify things, so that if our silence continues, at least we’ll know why.

As your son-in-law I don’t have expectations.  You and dad-in-law are good people, we like each other, even love each other to some extent, and I’m happy with that.  Due to some of your history with T., I can’t help but be a bit wary.  Soon after we first met, you made some disparaging remarks about her.  It may have been a way to smoke out alliances (What kind of fiancee would go along with this?  Not a good one.), and you’re not as down on your daughter as you made yourselves out to be, but it made me wary.  So, I should have known better than to respond to your email two weeks ago, sent in the midst of this disagreement with T..  It put me in the middle of a situation which is really between you.  Which is why I asked you not to write me again while this dispute is unresolved, and also why I’m writing, but not sending, this letter to you.

Let me recount the issues that led up to this problem.  We’ve been going through some difficult times.  I think you know what led us to this.  It wasn’t lack of effort.  We’ve been hit with a triple whammy: we’re in a historically bad economy, we make our livings in industries that are volatile even in good times, and we have a young child with special needs, G., whose therapies and schooling are exceedingly time consuming and expensive.  You know all this.

When T. told you she was so worried about finances she was having trouble sleeping, you told her not to worry, you wouldn’t let us go under, you’d help.  You have the resources, and we’re truly happy you do.  But a couple of weeks after that conversation, when she told you her overdue paycheck had arrived and with it, a temporary reprieve, you said you’d been so worried about her you’d stayed up all of the night before.  This is what really ticked off T..  If you were so worried, she said, and you have as much money as you say you do, why didn’t you do something?  What were you waiting for?  Christmas?

T. is afraid she might seem ungrateful.  You raised her in a secure home in a nice place, gave her good schooling, three squares a day, life.  No small things, these.  But as a grandparent, you have to admit you haven’t been around much.  Three months after G. was born, you moved 2,000 miles away.  You’ve babysat him once – and grudgingly, at that - in six years.  You ask T. to visit you, alone.

This isn’t meant to be a litany of complaints. We don't expect you to come up with ways to engage your grandson any more than you have already, or are able to do.  It’s tough to talk with someone, anyone, who doesn’t respond.  Believe me, we of all people know how hard that can be. This is not your problem.  Neither are our financial difficulties.  So, why tell T. they are?  Why use the carrot and stick approach in this situation?  It’s just cruel.

I don’t think your intentions were cruel, but that’s how they came off.  And then for you to send me (not T.), a humorous email, with the message “Smile?” on it, was a bit of salt in the wound.

Ultimately, this is all pretty minor stuff.  It’s the kind of thing we’ll put in the past and eventually forget.  Like I said earlier, I don’t have any expectations – I’d just like you to appreciate your daughter more.  She’s a stand-up person, and at least some of that had to come from you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,

Your son-in-law,
The Accidental Caregiver