EMBRACING THE DARKNESS
Carrie Wilson Link | Sunday, October 18, 2009 at 9:24AM There is an imbalance going on in our home. Things have tipped from “hard” to “impossible,” at least that’s how it feels.
Ever since Rojo turned 13, what was working – and hard fought to get working – is no longer working. We are having to relearn, retrain, and regroup on every front. Food. Sleeping. Friendships. His aide. Schoolwork. His medications. Not one thing is doing what it is “supposed” to do and frankly? It’s about killing me.
Life is hard on a good day. I’ve gotten used to hard. Right now? I miss hard. How hard I want hard back.
When I was a little girl my mom would pass the time on car trips by asking me opposites. She would say, “up” and I would answer from my seat in the back, “down.” She would say “big” and I would answer, “small.” She would say “light” and I would say “dark.”
I used to say to people, “I am a dark sleeper” because it was the opposite of a light sleeper. I could never understand the bemused looks on the faces of grown-ups as my four-year-old self proudly proclaimed my sleeping habits.
At 46 I understand there are periods of lightness and of darkness and that we need one just as much as we need the other – the day needs the night, the wake needs the sleep, the highs need the lows. I get that. It doesn’t make these valleys any easier to crawl out of, and perhaps that is my biggest problem. I am scrambling all over the place to find a ledge from which to grab hold of and crawl out. Maybe the key is to stop the struggle – stop resisting the valley, the “impossibilities,” the darkness and just accept it.
Maybe all I have to do is rest and wait for the light to re-emerge.
Reader Comments (12)
My guess is puberty is messing with him. Katie had a huge change at eleven, from hard to impossible as you say. It's like when she went into the group home I didn't think I could cope because her behavior was so awful, except now it's even worse than when she left almost two years ago. Funny how that works. It feels sometimes like God is saying, "You don't know from hard."
Hang on, that's about all you can do really. Sending you good thoughts and I'll put in a good word for you with Mary:)
Hmmmm--perhaps it's the mother's 47th year? I'm 46, too, and finding my dark and valleys are taking a little longer to get out of. I also agree with Deb about adolescence -- it's difficult for all kids and just brutal for those with special needs. Hang in there --
I like "dark sleeper" I get similarly puzzled expressions when I beg for "hard sleep." And I am sorry for your struggles. I know the valleys all too well. I also know that even in the midst of a dark time, sometimes you'll glimpse a ray of light. Wishing that for you.
love.
Mary had a special needs child, too. (Okay. I know--I know. Not the same.)
Rest well...and surfing is good, too.
the dark sucks. it just plain sucks.
but the light comes. it always comes.
hugs.
I get you. All the knots you'd worked so hard on have all come undone at once. Hang on to one end and wait it out.
Darkness also has a restorative, healing quality about it. Here's another big hug from me.
Love.
I think you're right. Rest. The light WILL come...because it has to and because it always does.
Hang in there, sweetie.
and when the light returns you will wonder how you made it through the dark. Hang in there.
Love your wisdom and your honesty and your ability to accept and to be. Love you.
Love.
sending out our best vibes. and tons of xxxx